It’s been a little over a month since our parents met their fate. Even now the words don’t come willingly, but I type and erase and type again to force the keys in place. To form the words my fingers were never meant to write.

None of this is fair. Certainly not Auntie Meredith taking off to Puerto Rico because “the damage was done” and she couldn’t bear the waiting, or normally stoic Auntie Judy being a pitiful, weeping mess. And least of all, you being forced to deal with plans for the memorial service this weekend, less than a month since the accident. No. We have been thrust into adulthood way faster than is fair.

I know it’s been hard for you. Christ on a cracker, it’s been awful, period. It’s harder for me, though, when I learn—not from my sister, but from the family lawyer—you are the executor of Mom and Dad’s estate. Of course! (Of course.) To the very end, it is the three of you, cozy and warm in your solidarity against me. The outsider. Perpetually in the cold of La Jolla Shores.

Details on my share of the trust were there, but money is not what interests me—despite them splitting their estate down the middle between us, to treat us the same for once. It was when I read the tiny clause entitled Joint Ownership (the one regarding shared assets) that I knew what I needed: the family home to be sold. To put to rest the memories of a childhood rocked by neglect and disappointment, given their insanely demanding careers. After I reached out to Mr. Decker, to see whether he could draw up that paperwork, he said you rejected the idea—effectively blocked it, per the joint ownership clause. I can guess what your reasons are, but think about mine, please. Let me put to bed the reminder that I’ll never get to repair the hurts I inflicted as a pissy teenager—none of us will. Can you do that for me? You’ll say the home means too much, especially now that they’ve passed, but I’m ready for everything to go away. You owe me that much after what you did to them. What you did to all of us. You do not deserve to decide anything anymore. You don’t deserve anything from them.

I just. I can’t.