One warm day early in June she sat beside him and looked at his drawing of a flower. “Hey, that’s good, Billy.”

“Ain’t nothin’.”

“You’re a real artist.”

“Aw. C’mon.”

“No, I mean it. You’re different from the other kids here. I like boys that don’t just have their minds on one thing.”

She put her hand on his leg.

Philip jumped back. “Hey, whatcha doin’ that for?”

“Don’t you like girls, Billy?”

“Sure I do. I ain’t no queer. It’s just I—I don’t—I—”

“You look real upset, Billy. What’s wrong?”

He sat down next to her again. “I don’t go in much fun dat sex stuff.”

“How come?”

“Well,” he said. “We—I mean, when I was little, I got raped by a man.”

She looked at him, shocked. “I thought only girls could be raped.”

Philip shook his head. “Well, you got another think cornin’. I was beat and raped. And it did somethin’ to my head, I can tell ya. I dream about it a lot. A part of me does. All my life I always thought sex was somethin’ painful and dirty.”

“You mean you never had regular sex with a girl?”

“I ain’t never had regular sex with no one.”

“It doesn’t hurt, Billy.”

He blushed as he pulled away.

“Let’s go swimming,” she said.

“Yeah, great idea,” he said, jumping up and taking a running dive into the pond.

When he came up sputtering, he saw that she had dropped her dress on the bank of the pond and was coming in naked. “Holy shit!” he said, and dived for the bottom.

When he came up, she reached him and put her arms around him. He felt her legs around him in the water, felt her rubbing her breasts into his chest, reaching down to touch him.

“It won’t hurt, Billy,” she said. “I promise.”

Swimming with one hand, she led him toward the cove to a big flat rock angled into the water. He climbed up after her and she pulled his shorts down. He knew he was being awkward as he touched her, and he was afraid if he closed his eyes it would all disappear. She was so beautiful. He didn’t want to find himself someplace else and not remember what was happening. He wanted to remember this time. He felt good. She hugged him and squeezed him as he did it, and when it was over he felt like jumping'up and shouting with joy. As he rolled off her, he lost his balance and went sliding down the wet, slippery rock, splashing back into the water.

She laughed. He felt like a fool. But he felt happy. He wasn’t a virgin anymore, and he wasn’t a queer. He was a man.

(6)

On June 19, at the request of his mother, Billy Milligan was discharged from the hospital by Dr. Raulj. The social worker’s summary for discharge read:

Prior to discharge, Bill was manipulative with staff members and patients. He would maliciously lie his way out of trouble, harming anyone’s reputation and feeling no remorse. His peer group relations were superficial on his part and his peers were mistrusting of him due to his constant lies.