Copyright

First Houghton Mifflin Harcourt edition 2013

Copyright © 1980 by Margaret Drabble

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10003.

Originally published in Great Britain by Weidenfeld & Nicholson
First U.S. edition by Knopf in 1980

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.

eISBN 978-0-544-28618-4
v1.1013

Acknowledgment

Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to reprint previously published material:

Elsevier/Nelson Books: Synopsis of “The Silver Saucer and the Transparent Apple" and re-telling and direct quote from “Alenouska and Her Brother” from Old Peter’s Russian Tales, by Arthur Ransome. Copyright 1916, 1944 by Arthur Ransome. Used by permission of the publisher, Elsevier/Nelson Books.

Frank Music Corp.: Excerpt from On a Slow Boat to China by Frank Loesser. Copyright 1948 by Frank Music Corp. Copyright © renewed 1976 by Frank Music Corp. International copyright secured. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Harvard University Press: Excerpts from poem number 1551 by Emily Dickinson. Reprinted by permission of the publisher and the Trustees of Amherst College from The Poems of Emily Dickinson, edited by Thomas T. Johnson (Cambridge, Mass.: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press). Copyright © 1951, 1953, 1979 by the President and Fellows of Harvard College.

Dedication

For darling Becky

The Middle Ground

Thoughtfully, Kate cut up Hugo’s steak and spread each piece with a dab of mustard, then started to turn over her own spinach with her fork, as though inspecting it. Hugo watched her, and then said (for many things that Kate did were little performances, requiring applause, enquiry or comment), “What are you looking for?”

“Ladybirds,” said Kate.

“Why?”

“Once I had lunch here and ate a ladybird without noticing it.”

“If you didn’t notice it, how did you know what it was?”

“Because there was another one, in the spinach. So I thought back, and realised what the crunchy thing was that I’d just eaten. Anyway, I’d kind of half seen it out of the corner of my eye.” Satisfied with her investigation, she looped up a mouthful, and ate it. “It was during that ladybird plague year,” she said, “do you remember? They were all over the place, swarming on beaches, biting old ladies on the tops of buses. How’s your steak?”

“It’s fine. But the courgettes taste of chlorine.”

Kate leaned over, helped herself to one, ate it.

“Yes, so they do. Funny, isn’t it? I wonder why I go on coming here, it’s a terrible restaurant. Loyalty, I suppose.”

“Did you send the spinach back?”

“No, of course not. Women never send things back in restaurants, didn’t you know? ”

And she smiled at him, her wide, infuriating double-edged smile, her smile full of duplicity.

Hugo spiked another piece of steak, and continued to look at her while he ate it. She continued to smile, the smile turning into a sort of bland, mask-like, Medusa defiance, but good-natured still, for Kate was after all relentlessly good-natured, that was one of her problems: and how well she looked, how pink and shining with health, although he knew that she was not particularly well at all, but on the contrary had been rather ill and was now rather miserable, with some cause. Kate had often complained, in the past, as a joke, that the worse she felt, the better she looked, and now she did indeed look healthier than ever, her pale brown hair escaping bouncily from beneath her green headsquare, her white teeth munching the spinach; as though the surface of her resolutely refused to acknowledge any interior difficulties, as though the glow on the surface emanated in direct contradiction from within, in order to confuse, perplex, and throw spectators into disarray. Hugo knew her well enough to stare her out, and would have done so, but she came back to the attack without dropping her eyes.

“Look, Hugo,” she said, “it’s all very well for you, and I’m as bloody sick of bloody women as you are, I’m sick to death of them, I wish I’d never invented them, but they won’t just go away because I’ve got tired of them. Will they?”

“You could switch to industrial relations. Or Middle Eastern affairs, perhaps,” said Hugo, for Kate had just been complaining about her latest visitor, a student from Iraq, who had arrived unannounced and seemed to be intending to stay indefinitely.

“Don’t be silly, Hugo. I know my limitations,” said Kate.

“That’s a very unfeminist remark,” said Hugo, provocatively.

“Look,” said Kate, ignoring this new angle, and returning to an earlier point in their conversation, “look, do you want to see my morning’s post? You don’t, do you? But you’re going to have to, just the same. Here”—and she started to delve around in the large kitsch carpet-bag she’d been carrying around on her shoulder for years—“here, take a look at this lot”—and she slammed down on the table a great untidy wad of letters and envelopes and brochures, which, when sorted and expounded, proved to contain:

1. A letter from the American Express, addressed to her ex-husband Stuart, asking him why he didn’t give his wife the freedom of an Express card. The letter was illustrated by a photograph of an expensive-looking woman in a black evening dress and strings of pearls, standing in an expensive hotel foyer with a lot of shining matching luggage. (Kate had been a card holder for some years: Stuart’s credit, as she had no need to explain to Hugo, was not good.)
2. An advertisement for a fire extinguisher, portraying a hysterical woman in a provocative nightdress, shrieking amidst a lot of flames, and asking: “Do You Protect Your Loved Ones?”
3. A life-insurance leaflet with much the same message, but less sensationally portraying a happy family sitting over its cornflakes, the wife in a striped apron, the unsuspecting husband with a heart attack just round the corner, despite the fine executive panache with which he was reading his upmarket newspaper.
4. An invitation to attend a fashion show.
5. A letter from the Post Office addressed to Stuart, requesting his signature on her application for a new telephone extension.
6. An invitation from a women’s group in Birmingham, asking her to speak to them on the subject of “Women Today.”
7. A letter from a BBC producer, asking her if she’d ever thought of writing a play about the liberated woman of today, and if not, why not.
8. A pink letter from a militant American feminist announcing the birth of a daughter, and sending good wishes to dear Kate from Sandy, Steve, Baby, Wiggles, and Mustapha. (“I think calling your car or dog Mustapha qualifies as racist, don’t you?” was Kate’s comment on this offering: “and pink notepaper is certainly sexist, wouldn’t you agree?”)
9. A brochure for expensive Italian shoes, with underage models posing in Victorian underwear, offering a Try-at-Home Service for Professional Women.
10. A request that she should appear in a fur coat in an advertisement for fake fur, in aid of wildlife conservation.

“Well,” said Kate, having thoroughly displayed this interesting selection. “You see what I mean? What else can I do but write yet another piece about the image of women in advertising? This was a bit much, all in one post, don’t you think?”

“Was that all the post you got?” asked Hugo, chasing an elusive chip around his plate, and finally cornering it against a lump of fat.

“What do you mean, all? How many letters do you get a day? And this was all home stuff, not counting the office.”

“I meant, don’t you get any nice personal post?”

“Well, no, not today, actually.” She leaned forward, widening her pale bright-blue give-away impenetrable eyes at him. They were full of the hard glitter of deep sympathy, deep interest, deep devouring self. “And you, Hugo, how much personal post do you get?”

“Oh, not so much these days,” said Hugo. “But then, I realised I’d finally grown up when all I was interested in getting through the letter box was cheques.”

Kate laughed.

“Anyway, Kate,” said Hugo, “you ought not to complain about a post like that. It’s a tribute to your Social Class B Economic Status.”

“I’m not really complaining,” said Kate. “I’m perfectly complacent, as you know. But it’s my social conscience at work. I ought to be worrying about everyone else, oughtn’t I?”

“All those women who didn’t have your peculiar advantages?” said Hugo: again provocatively, for Kate’s past advantages would have taken some subtlety to discern.

“Oh, shut up,” said Kate. “You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t, as a matter of fact,” said Hugo. “But I know we’re not likely to agree, on this particular subject.”

“Shall we talk about something else? Shall I light you a cigarette?”

“You are so solicitous, dear Kate, you will ruin my health. But yes, please. Have one yourself. Help yourself.”

Kate lit a cigarette, and handed it over.

“Did you know the statistics for women smoking have risen by some horrific proportion?” she said. “Smoking women, violent women, what is the world coming to? Freedom is very bad for people.” She started to stack up her letters again, casting a look of lingering regret at the fake leopard and mink.

“Anyway, I’m too old and fat to model a fur coat,” she said.

“Of course not,” said Hugo, gallantly, while thinking that in fact she, marginally, was.

“You know, it’s all very well,” she said, “but I’ve been thinking lately, every single bad thing that’s happened to me happened to me because I’m a woman. There’s no point in pretending it’s not so. Even my illnesses. Apart from tonsils when I was ten.”

“And colds, and chickenpox, and measles, and mumps, and flu.”

“I’ve never had flu. I don’t believe in flu.”

“You could argue that all the bad things that have happened to me happened to me because I was a man.”

Kate took this suggestion seriously, reflected on it, and nodded, blowing out smoke.

“Well, that all goes to show that I must have been mad to try to pretend that the sexes were much the same; if that’s what I used to say. Is that what I used to say?”

“How should I know?”

“I don’t suppose I ever had what you might call an ideology. But I certainly used to believe in freedom. And progress.”

“Yes, I do seem to remember a few columns of newsprint on those topics. But I hadn’t noticed that you’d abandoned them.”

“I haven’t abandoned them, they’ve abandoned me. I can’t afford to abandon them officially, anyway. I’ve got to pretend to stick by them.” She sighed, heavily. “You know, looking back, I realised I felt as light as air, all these years. I felt as though I was walking on air. I did feel free, I felt so-so undetermined, so unforced, so unpushed in every way. And now I realise it wasn’t like that at all. It was all an illusion.”

“I don’t see why it has to be called an illusion, just because you feel differently now. And you probably only feel different temporarily. It’s your age, that’s all.”

“It’s worse than that. Though God knows that’s bad enough. Oh dear, what a bore I am these days. How very patient you are, I don’t know why you put up with me.”

“I don’t find you boring.”

Depressing, then?”

“No, I don’t find you depressing, either. Perhaps I should, but I don’t.”

“That’s nice of you.”

“It’s only because I’m an unfeeling cold-hearted creature. I don’t really care enough about you to get depressed by you. Anyway, I’m sure you’re going to cheer up again one of these days. You’re bound to. You can’t not.”

“That’s what I tell myself. But I don’t think I believe myself.”

“Well, I believe you.”

She smiled, dispiritedly, then tried again, and smiled more brightly.

“You know,” she said, “I’m beginning to think I feel the same way about women that my father feels about the unions. That it was a good cause in the old days. And that’s treachery, isn’t it? I’ve sold out, like my Dad. I thought I was a revolutionary, but I’m not.”

“That really is age, what you’re describing. Don’t we all feel the same?”

“Maybe we do, but that doesn’t make it any better. Yes, you’re right, it is age. I used to enjoy the smell of battle, but I’ve got sick of it, I’m really sick of it. I’m worn out.”

“You’ve done your bit. You can retire.”

“What to?”

“I don’t think you’re tired of fighting, you’re bored with finding yourself on the winning side. It’s all got too easy for you. That’s the real problem.”

“Do you think so?” This analysis seemed to cheer her, and she stirred her coffee with a new access of energy. “Do you think I’m just fed up with everyone agreeing with me?”

“You’re fed up with them pretending to agree with you. You should find some wonderful new line and annoy them all. Start again, with your back to the wall.”

“How can I, when I believe in the old line? Perhaps I should join a group and get my consciousness raised.”

“Your consciousness needs lowering, not raising, if you ask me.”

“Oh, don’t be silly, Hugo. Anyway, I’m too busy to go to a group. I haven’t time.” She looked at her watch, put on her busy expression, waved for the bill. “Now, look, Hugo, you promise you’ll help me out with Mujid? Friday, we agreed. You can talk French to him, and ask him about Iraq. His English is awful, and my French is worse, so you can imagine what a nightmare it is trying to talk politics after a hard day’s work.”

“I don’t know why you take such people on.”

“I don’t. They just arrive. And I don’t know how to say no. Do you know, Mujid believes that not a single nation in the twentieth century won its independence without the support and intervention of the Soviet Union? At least, I think that’s what he thinks. It can’t be right, can it? I mean, what about Iran? But I just don’t know enough to answer back. I’m an ignorant fool.”

“I suppose you think men are better than women at saying no.”

“I don’t think it, I know it. And I also know that when men have other men to stay with them, they don’t run around cooking them meals like I do for Mujid, and worrying about whether they like them or not. Do they? So you see, I do need a consciousness-raising group after all.” She started to fish in her bag for money. “Is it your turn to pay, or mine? I think it’s mine.”

“I thought you paid last time.”

“No, I’m sure you did, don’t you remember, you only had a tenner and he was bloody rude about the change.” Kate counted out three notes and some silver, and began to struggle into her coat.

“Actually,” she said, “saying yes is my special technique for preserving myself. I know it doesn’t sound very logical, but it works. I don’t know why it works, but it does. It’s my way of keeping the upper hand.”

“I don’t think a group would like the sound of that.”

“No, it wouldn’t. That’s why I don’t go.” She said this with an air of triumph, as though she had scored a point, though what the point was neither of them could have said.

They walked back to the office in silence, in the October sunshine, for the traffic was too noisy to permit conversation, and Kate reflected, not for the first time, that it was very shocking of her to be pleased that Hugo had lost half his arm in Eritrea buggering around drunkenly with a stray grenade, and indeed pleased wasn’t quite the word, for she’d been very upset when the news came through, but nevertheless she was pleased in some wicked corner of herself, for now she could look after him and cut up his meat once or twice a week, and make him duly grateful, without feeling she was imposing on him in any way. A horrible, manipulating, dominating, castrating, busybody woman, that’s what I am, she thought, I like everyone to depend on me, why ever is that? And Hugo, for his part, thought of Kate and her history, of their long friendship, of her recent misfortunes, and wondered how she was getting on, really, inside herself, and whether or not she was managing to put herself together again. It wasn’t an arm she’d lost, but a baby, and it had shaken her more than he’d believed possible. She had gone to pieces in the strangest way, though not many people knew her well enough to notice. At first he too had been obscurely pleased by her misfortunes, to note that she too was weak, vulnerable, a victim of circumstance, for her high-handedness in her good years had occasionally annoyed even him, as it had certainly annoyed many of their friends and colleagues; it had been interesting to see her waver, make mistakes, make a fool of herself, stop looking so bloody pleased with herself all the time. But this satisfaction had given way to a worthier though equally selfish regret. He wanted her to cheer up, because she was more amusing when she was up than when she was down. She wasn’t boring yet, but she would be if she went on like this about women and groups. He knew enough angry, disillusioned, bitter women. Kate had been light relief, of a high quality. Always good for a laugh. He didn’t like to see her sink into seriousness. Let her be happy, let her recover, let her be a freak escape from the general doom. Her life had been freakish enough so far, surely she could find a way out of this particular trap?

Hugo thought that he knew exactly how Kate felt about his own accident, and he liked her for it. Secretly, he was quite pleased about the accident himself, in some ways. It had its compensations, and one was that he’d never have to pretend to be a war correspondent again, he’d never again have to pretend that he liked the sound of gunfire, he’d never again have to fly off to some disaster-stricken zone with an air of calm indifference. He could retire from that particular field of masochism, honourably, with decorations. He had done his bit, more than his bit. Nobody expected him to play at being a limbless war hero. He was writing his Middle East book. A much more suitable occupation.

He’d never confessed this feeling of relief to anyone except to the surgeon at the hospital, who had looked at him oddly, and told him an extraordinary story about a patient who had taken it into his head that he was destined by God to model artificial limbs, had studied surgery from a medical textbook, and had amputated his own right leg at the knee one night in his Knightsbridge flat; he didn’t make a bad job of it either, said Mr. Pethwick, but he passed out before he quite finished and would have bled to death if his boyfriend hadn’t dropped in unexpectedly at the crucial moment. Very strange people are, said Mr. Pethwick, the ways they devise of mutilating themselves.

Hugo had thought this response rather over-sophisticated, but guessed he had asked for it, and took it in good part.

Hugo had no desire to model artificial limbs. So far he had refused even to consider acquiring one for his own use.

The Story Continues on BooksBarbecue!

Enjoyed this preview? ❤️ Do not stop here!

Read the complete book free online → 🔗

Continue reading now on BooksBarbecue and discover every page!

Love reading? Bookmark BooksBarbecue.com for more amazing books!

Happy Reading!