Well? What is it?

MRS. LEVI:

She ran away this afternoon and got married!

VANDERGELDER:

She did?

MRS. LEVI:

Married, Mr. Vandergelder, to a young boy of fifty.

VANDERGELDER:

She did?

MRS. LEVI:

Oh, I’m as disappointed as you are. I-can’t-eat-a-thing-what-have-you-ordered?

VANDERGELDER:

I ordered what you told me to, a chicken.

Enter AUGUST. He goes to Vandergelder’s table.

MRS. LEVI:

I don’t think I could face a chicken. Oh, waiter. How do you do? What’s your name?

AUGUST:

August, ma’am.

MRS. LEVI:

August, this is Mr. Vandergelder of Yonkers—Yonkers’ most influential citizen, in fact. I want you to see that he’s served with the best you have and served promptly. And there’ll only be the two of us.

MRS. LEVI gives one set of cutlery to AUGUST.

VANDERGELDER puts chocolate box under table.

Mr. Vandergelder’s been through some trying experiences today—what with men hidden all over Mrs. Molloy’s store—like Indians in ambush.

VANDERGELDER:

Between his teeth.

Mrs. Levi, you don’t have to tell him everything about me.

The quartet commences singing again very softly.

MRS. LEVI:

Mr. Vandergelder, if you’re thinking about getting married, you might as well learn right now you have to let women be women. Now, August, we want excellent service.

AUGUST:

Yes, ma’am.

Exits to kitchen.

VANDERGELDER:

You’ve managed things very badly. When I plan a thing it takes place.

MRS. LEVI rises.

Where are you going?

MRS. LEVI:

Oh, I’d just like to see who’s on the other side of that screen.

MRS. LEVI crosses to the other side of the stage and sees the quartet. They are frightened and fall silent.

CORNELIUS:

Rising.

Good evening, Mrs. Levi.

MRS. LEVI takes no notice, but, taking up the refrain where they left off returns to her place at the table right.

VANDERGELDER:

Well, who was it?

MRS. LEVI:

Oh, just some city sparks entertaining their girls, I guess.

VANDERGELDER:

Always wanting to know everything; always curious about everything; always putting your nose into other people’s affairs. Anybody who lived with you would get as nervous as a cat.

MRS. LEVI:

What? What’s that you’re saying?

VANDERGELDER:

I said anybody who lived with you would—

MRS. LEVI:

Horace Vandergelder, get that idea right out of your head this minute. I’m surprised that you even mentioned such a thing. Understand once and for all that I have no intention of marrying you.

VANDERGELDER:

I didn’t mean that.

MRS. LEVI:

You’ve been hinting around at such a thing for some time, but from now on put such ideas right out of your head.

VANDERGELDER:

Stop talking that way. That’s not what I meant at all.

MRS. LEVI:

I hope not. I should hope not. Horace Vandergelder, you go your way

Points a finger.

and I’ll go mine.

Points again in same direction.

I’m not some Irene Molloy, whose head can be turned by a pot of geraniums. Why, the idea of your even suggesting such a thing.

VANDERGELDER:

Mrs. Levi, you misunderstood me.

MRS. LEVI:

I certainly hope I did. If I had any intention of marrying again it would be to a far more pleasure-loving man than you. Why I’d marry Cornelius Hackl before I’d marry you.