BARNABY:

Holy cabooses!!

CORNELIUS:

And one more thing: we’re not coming back to Yonkers until we’ve kissed a girl.

BARNABY:

Kissed a girl! Cornelius, you can’t do that. You don’t know any girls.

CORNELIUS:

I’m thirty-three. I’ve got to begin sometime.

BARNABY:

I’m only seventeen, Cornelius. It isn’t so urgent for me.

CORNELIUS:

Don’t start backing down now—if the worst comes to the worst and we get discharged from here we can always join the Army.

BARNABY:

Uh—did I hear you say that you’d be old Wolf-trap’s partner?

CORNELIUS:

How can I help it? He’s growing old. If you go to bed at nine and open the store at six, you get promoted upward whether you like it or not.

BARNABY:

My! Partner.

CORNELIUS:

Oh, there’s no way of getting away from it. You and I will be Vandergelders.

BARNABY:

I? Oh, no—I may rise a little, but I’ll never be a Vandergelder.

CORNELIUS:

Listen—everybody thinks when he gets rich he’ll be a different kind of rich person from the rich people he sees around him; later on he finds out there’s only one kind of rich person, and he’s it.

BARNABY:

Oh, but I’ll—

CORNELIUS:

No. The best of all would be a person who has all the good things a poor person has, and all the good meals a rich person has, but that’s never been known. No, you and I are going to be Vandergelders; all the more reason, then, for us to try and get some living and some adventure into us now—will you come, Barnaby?

BARNABY:

In a struggle with his fears, a whirlwind of words.

But Wolf-trap—KRR-pt, Gertrude-KRR-pt—

With a sudden cry of agreement.

Yes, Cornelius!

Enter MRS. LEVI, ERMENGARDE and GERTRUDE from back center. The BOYS start down the ladder, CORNELIUS last.

MRS. LEVI:

Mr. Hackl, is the trunk waiting at the station?

CORNELIUS:

Yes, Mrs. Levi.

Closes the trap door.

MRS. LEVI:

Take a last look, Ermengarde.

ERMENGARDE:

What?

MRS. LEVI:

Take a last look at your girlhood home, dear. I remember when I left my home. I gave a whinny like a young colt, and off I went.

ERMENGARDE and GERTRUDE exit.

ERMENGARDE:

As they go.

Oh, Gertrude, do you think I ought to get married this way? A young girl has to be so careful!

MRS. LEVI is alone. She addresses the audience.

MRS. LEVI:

You know, I think I’m going to have this room with blue wallpaper,—yes, in blue!

Hurries out after the others.

BARNABY comes up trap door, looks off right, then lies on floor, gazing down through the trap door.

BARNABY:

All clear up here, Cornelius! Cornelius—hold the candle steady a minute—the bottom row’s all right—but try the top now . . . they’re swelled up like they are ready to bust!

BANG.

Holy CABOOSES!

BANG, BANG.

Cornelius! I can smell it up here!

Rises and dances about, holding his nose.

CORNELIUS:

Rushing up the trap door.

Get into your Sunday clothes, Barnaby. We’re going to New York!