“Is that Megan?” I ask, baffled. “I thought she was giving birth!”

Marty chuckles. “Oh, my poor, naïve daddies. She’s in the early labor phase. Water broke, but she’s only dilated a couple of centimeters. This part will probably last a little while. Babies don’t just fall out, you know. After that, it’s the active labor phase, when her cervix will dilate up to seven centimeters. Can you just imagine. And then it’s the transition phase, when the cervix will get all the way up to ten—”

Otter and I are both staring at the phone in horror while it sounds as if it’s being shuffled from one person to another. Then, “Bear? Otter? It’s Megan. You know. Your surrogate?”

I almost smack my head against the steering wheel. I don’t, but it’s close. “Hi, Megan.”

“You’re having babies,” Otter breathes, and I almost smack his head against the steering wheel.

“I am!” Megan says cheerfully. “The contractions aren’t too bad yet, but they’re coming regularly. We’re sitting around waiting to get this show on the road. When you get to Sacred Heart, you’ll want to head up to the prenatal unit on the fourth floor, okay? They know you’re coming and ow ow ow, okay, here is a good one. Ohhh, that has some bite to it.”

“Did you just have a baby?” Otter asks frantically. “Did one come out yet?”

“Who are you and what have you done with my husband?” I demand.

“Tell them it doesn’t look like you’ll need an episiotomy,” I hear Marty say in the background.

“Oh god, no,” Megan says to him. “I would rather wait until they get here so I can see the look on their faces.”

“What the hell is an episiotomy?” Otter asks. “Is it bad? It’s bad, isn’t it?”

“It’s not bad,” Megan assures him. “Well. Mostly. But it’s not used a whole lot anymore, and only in special cases. It’s to help avoid vaginal tearing. They make… a bigger opening. By slicing.”

“Women are so hard-core,” I whisper to Otter.

“But,” Megan continues. “The babies are positioned head down, which is how they’re supposed to be, so I don’t see that being an issue. If there’s any repositioning, there will be a C-section most likely instead. I really hope it doesn’t go that direction, because I want to do this naturally.”

“It’s no water birth, but it’ll do,” Marty says. “Should we talk to them about what can be done with the placenta?”

“Now you’ve scared them,” Megan sighs as Otter and I both choke horribly, because what.

“We’ll be there in an hour,” I manage to tell her. “Do you need anything?”

“Adult diapers?” Megan asks.

“What?” Otter and I both screech at the same time.