“To serve,” he said. “I’ve been a man under orders since I was fifteen. I didn’t have a place in the world. My family was dead. The Célestial nobility was never going to embrace me. Grand Leon gave me a place to stand. I joined the Praetorians as a dispossessed noble scion. Impervia made me one of her anti-spies, and Grand Leon assigned me to be your bodyguard.”

“An order that was never rescinded,” Isabelle said. That explained his near but not too near presence: duty, not desire. Yes, he was very friendly, very trustworthy. He had never offered her more than friendship. Had “more” ever even occurred to him?

Bitterlich stood all but paralyzed as Isabelle trotted out an explanation for his behavior, an excuse he could use to carry on as he had been … if he wanted to string her along like some abusive ass.

Of course, if carrying on like this would make him an ass, it followed logically that he’d already been an ass for the last three months. It was time to put an end to it. He owed her that.

“That order was effectively rescinded when Sireen made me a marine major.”

Isabelle turned her gaze to him, searching. Her spark swarm floated about her like a swarm of exhausted fireflies, their dull pulses reflecting her mood. “That day you kissed me, I thought I knew what you wanted, but now…”

Bitterlich remembered that kiss. The yearning of it had never left his lips. The warmth of her affection made him feel human, wanted, equal, loved. Yet he was less than a man. Eulalie had seen to that. Some part of him was still lying in that bedroom curled into a ball while the comte said to Eulalie, “All is forgiven.”

He’d already told Isabelle more about that night than he’d told anyone. The part of his mind that was still above water knew she’d understand. She’d feel sorry for him. She’d take pity on the eunuch. And with every drip of pity, respect and esteem would erode away.

And what would he give her in return for her sufferance? She wanted children someday. He could not provide those. He had no wealth to bestow her. No family to take her in. All he could do was limit her future opportunities. She deserved to be happy and fulfilled and successful beyond the dreams of annalists.

He was just in her way.