He raises a hand, seems to wince as if my apology is spit that’s hit him right in the eye.

The hand goes to his forehead, slides down, straightening out his face. Say something, Cain. The tension presses against me, thick as water. Brain, pharynx, larynx, lymph nodes, lungs, heart, spleen, liver… if I get through every organ in the body before he speaks, I might collapse. Gall bladder, stomach, kidneys.

‘Thought I was conditioned to deal with interrogations but after today I…’ a pause, a deep exhale. ‘I’m done. I’m spent. It’s taken so long to try to build a normal life and I feel like it’s just slipping through my fingers.’

‘No,’ I say. ‘Cain, please.’

‘I just want to go to sleep and forget about everything.’

I move to let him through. He leads me into the kitchen.

‘That’s it for the betting,’ he continues, ignoring me. ‘Just when I was starting to do well. And I don’t want police digging into my past, or journalists.’

‘What do you mean?’

He turns, leans against the island. ‘I mean the Skelton stuff, Lina. I mean me snapping at customers at Axel’s gym. We need to be on the front foot. We need to show a united front, which is hard when you don’t trust me. When you run away from me to the police in the middle of the night. How are we going to raise a child together when this is what you think of me?’

Under the hanging kitchen lights his eyes are dark, his laughter lines are deepened by the shadows. He’s right.

‘You have to see it from my perspective too, Cain. I’ve been on edge since the home invasion. I panicked.’

‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I see it from your perspective but it doesn’t change anything. I was making good money and now I can’t. I’m not the cleverest, my body is damaged, I don’t have great business sense obviously. I just wanted to take care of you, and the baby. I want to do good for this family.’

The ache inside intensifies. What have I done to him? ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise using betting agencies outside of New Zealand was illegal. I just didn’t think when I saw that video.’

‘They’ve given me an official warning.’

He pulls a glass out of the cupboard and fills it from the tap. Takes a slow, thoughtful sip.

‘It might be time to swallow my pride and get a boring job with a steady pay until the baby comes.’ He pauses, takes another mouthful of water. His sad eyes stare down at the benchtop.