You may be wondering the purpose of this letter. Everything I’ve written summarizes what I’ve told you before. Maybe I wrote it so you’d have it in one place. More likely, I did it to procrastinate.

Leah, for the past week, I’ve been debating whether or not to tell you something. I don’t debate the truth of what I have to say—from the moment I realized it, I’ve had no doubts. I debated because I didn’t know if it would bring you comfort or discomfort. I’ve decided it’ll do more good than harm.

When I married you, I’d hoped we wouldn’t become too attached to each other, since we both knew how this would end. I felt affection for you, like a brother giving to a little sister. Somewhere along the line, things changed. The little sister became a lovely woman. The giving brother became the recipient of your wisdom, grace, and compassion.

My love for you has shifted and grown and deepened. Leah, I’ve fallen in love with you.

You can see why I waited to confess this until after I was gone. If you had returned my feelings, it would have only led to more anguish when I died. If you hadn’t, it could have caused an awkward rift between us. Selfishly, I didn’t want to lose you so close to the end.

I’m confessing this as my last gift to you. My sweet Leah, I want you to know how lovable you are. Since you were four, you’ve had no one to love you, no one to tell you how wonderful you are. Although our daughter adores you, she won’t be able to voice it for years.

So I’ll voice it. I love how you can’t bear for a book to be scrapped. I love how you knew Helen was a girl before she was born. I love how you write poetry, how you cling to your sisters, how you search for the good even in the dark. And I love how you gently but forcibly urged me to do the right thing and forgive my brothers.

You are beautiful and modest and kind and faithful and merciful. And the memory of our too-short kiss at the wedding has undone me more times than I care to admit.

I don’t write this to make you squirm or so you’ll mourn me more. I say this only to build your confidence in the lovely woman you are.

Go live your life to the fullest of God’s purpose. Love our daughter and raise her well. Give your best to libraries as a librarian or a volunteer. Marry again with my heartfelt blessing. Most of all, continue to grow in faith and love.

I love you, my darling, my muse, my Thalia.

I was blessed to be your husband.

Yours,
Clay