A season ago, working on Queen Estie’s road, he had failed to defend a band of abused Nuuri slaves. Instead, he had deserted. At the time, he had believed that he escaped to warn Belleger of Amikan evil. But now he knew the truth. He was a coward. He had fled to save himself.

Since that time, a shame that he called honesty had ruled him. In the Open Hand, he had heard Father Skurn preach. He remembered the priest’s lesson.

Lie to me if you wish. Lie to each other if you must. But do not lie to yourselves. If you have no other courage, have the courage to tell the truth to yourselves.

He was honest enough to see his desertion for what it was. Still, the truth hurt him. He kept it to himself. Instead, he refused to take the risk that his actions would betray him. He stayed away from even the hint of combat so that he would not expose his cowardice.

That was crucial to him. He had already demonstrated that he could not keep his other vow. At one time, he had vowed to shun Amikans, the men who had tortured the Nuuri. Those men deserved worse than the condemnation he exacted from himself. But working with Amikans and Bellegerins alike in the bay had undermined his determination. Soon he could not tell them apart. People like Captain Flisk and Commander Forguile had won his respect.

And Cloras herself was Amikan.

She was with him now because she was always with him. She clung to his company. When she could, she clung to his arm. At those times when they were not too weary, she responded to him with a hunger that matched his. He did not understand it. To his way of thinking, she deserved better than the love of a deserter. Nevertheless he treasured her. Not many days ago, he had spurned his father’s offer of reconciliation. He had not been able to bear the openheartedness of a man who could forgive his son’s cowardice. Mattwil had enough courage to admit that he did not know how to forgive himself. He did not want forgiveness. He wanted to be left alone with his failures. For that reason, he had refused his father. Any other response would have been a lie.

But he could not spurn Cloras. She had become necessary. She did not know what he had done.

When he heard the call to search for the priest, he ignored it. In it, he sensed a challenge that might expose him. He owed the priest a degree of loyalty. He did not want to learn that he was wrong.