WILLIAM. No look, I’m here to apologise, alright? It’s understood. It’s the right thing to do, you’ll hammer even more of my money off me if I don’t… greedy wee shite that you are… No but… fair enough… that aside… it’s the right thing to do plus we were always friends, we were good friends… I love the ghost of that wee boy grinning at me from your face there… so I do, sincerely… apologise for the wrong I’ve done you. Alright?

JAMES. Yes.

WILLIAM. All I’m saying is that it’s not so much wrong. You’ve done worse. You’ve just got the face to get away with it.

JAMES. Well… thanks for the apology, William.

WILLIAM. I don’t mean a word of it. I’m as good as you. Any day.

Can we stop this and go and get a better drink or something?

JAMES. Stop what?

WILLIAM. We’re done here, aren’t we? Apology on the table, you’ve picked it up…

I’m not going to kneel to you, man, so don’t hold your breath waiting on that.

JAMES. What were you apologising for?

WILLIAM. Sorry?

JAMES. What were you apologising for?

WILLIAM. You don’t know?

JAMES. I’d just be interested to know what you think you’re apologising for?

WILLIAM stares at him for a moment.

WILLIAM. Killing your tax collector.

JAMES. You are such a piece of dog filth, man.

No you are.

You’ve turned nasty. It’s not funny.

WILLIAM. You heard the story then?

JAMES. Yes.

WILLIAM. Oh man, it was brilliant. See I’d only locked up the first tax collector you sent but, when lord what’s-’is-face, tax collector number two turns up, I was annoyed for a wee minute, can’t deny it – but I made as nice as anything.

‘Of course, so sorry for the wait, will you take some dinner while I fetch the money and the first tax collector you’re missing?’

He’s sitting waiting on his dinner. We bring it in under a cover.

(Mimes lifting a cover.) There’s his pal’s head!

WILLIAM falls about.

JAMES. How is that funny?

WILLIAM. It a bit funny though, eh?

JAMES. No.

WILLIAM. Come on, it was a bit funny. The man’s face…

JAMES. No. That’s not a joke.

WILLIAM. Aw man, if you’d been there you’d’ve laughed, on Christ’s blood I swear you’d have laughed…

JAMES. No.

WILLIAM (imitates lord). ‘So where’s my tax-collector pal Lord What’s-’is-doodle?’

(Imitates servant.) ‘Oh he’ll be here directly, sir.’

(Uncovers a dish of food.) ‘Here he is!’

WILLIAM falls about. JAMES is just staring at him.

Aw come on, Jamie!

Alright, alright… I’m sorry, I won’t kill any tax collectors ever again.

Where’s the wine?