WILLIAM. Aye, it was Galloway. We’d missed the border. Turned out we’d never made it into England at all so… I ended up stealing Galloway’s horse.

BALVENIE is just staring at him.

Some laugh, eh?

BALVENIE. We are already in negotiations for your wedding with Galloway. We’re sending betrothal gifts!

WILLIAM. Aye well, that’s a Galloway horse outside. Do you think we could call it a swap?

Without warning, BALVENIE hits him. He hits him with something heavy – a candlestick, a stone bottle – clubs him so that WILLIAM is felled at once, shocked and bleeding.

BALVENIE. Do you know… do you have any idea how long we’ve been waiting to get Galloway?

WILLIAM can’t answer, he’s blind with pain, struggling to get up.

Have you not been listening? Do you not understand anything? Listen, Banff, Avoch, Aberdour, Moray, Strathaven, Stonehouse… Come on, you say it…

WILLIAM can’t speak, BALVENIE kicks him viciously.

Menteith, yes? Dunkeld, yes?

He kicks WILLIAM again.

Say it! Tell me you understand your inheritance…

WILLIAM (mouth full of blood). Dun… keld…

BALVENIE. Eskdale, Lauderdale, Douglasdale, Wigton… and Galloway and Galloway and Galloway… would close the border with a wall of our land.

My son and heir. My fucking son and heir?! I’ll send Galloway your head as a wedding gift.

Can we still save the deal? Do they know it was you?

WILLIAM. They didn’t… catch… any of us…

BALVENIE. Alright… alright… kill the horse and have it burned before anyone else sees it…

WILLIAM. Dad, it was a present for you…

BALVENIE kicks him again.

BALVENIE. Shut up, you stupid… to think you came from me. Aye well, my turds come from me but I don’t have to love them, eh?

We’ll wait it out. We’ll give it a month or so, then we’ll send the first of the betrothal gifts, see if she throws them back at us. If she keeps them we’ll know we’ve got away with it.

She won’t make war anyway. She wouldn’t dare.

Now listen… Banff, Avoch, Aberdour, Moray, Strathaven, Stonehouse…

(Kicks at WILLIAM.) Come on…

WILLIAM (halting, in pain).…Eskdale, Lauderdale, Wigton… and Galloway.

BALVENIE. Better.

WILLIAM starts to cry.

Don’t do that, it always gets you more beating… I learnt that far younger than you. Why have you not learned that yet?

WILLIAM. I wanted you to have the horse.

The horse is so beautiful… I thought you’d love him…

BALVENIE hits him.

BALVENIE. A beautiful ring of land, all around the kingdom of Scotland. All our land. Douglas land… Jedburgh… Dumfries, Inverlochy, Ruthven, Dingwall, Elgin, Huntly, Brechin… What lands are they?

WILLIAM. Ours.

BALVENIE. The Douglas lands. The Earl of Douglas’s lands. Mine. What else gives a man worth on this earth? A good life is invisible unless you own the land they bury you under. I own half of Scotland.

WILLIAM says nothing.

And you’re my eldest. The son and heir.

Thank God I’ll probably outlive you. You’ve got that melting look round your face. You’re the spit of her really, aren’t you? Soft meat. Soon rotten.