“It’s the truth.” He stroked my back. “You have no idea how intense my feelings are for you.” He shifted positions. “No idea.”

I had a vague idea. He was hard underneath me. “Chris, I—”

“It’s fine.” He smiled. “Even a monster can occasionally control himself.”

“I’m sorry I called you a monster.”

“I am a monster,” he said. “Just not all the time.”

He continued to walk his fingers up and down my back. His breathing became labored. I looked up at his face, and beads of sweats had formed across his forehead and above his lips. He squirmed underneath my body.

“Are you okay?” I asked him.

“Fine.” He pulled up the hem of his shirt and wiped his face. “It’s a little hot in here.”

No, it wasn’t. It was freezing. Sweat continued to drip from his face. He moved underneath me. He couldn’t seem to get comfortable. I tried to get off his lap, but he clutched my back. His body started to shake.

And then, idiot that I was, I figured it out. As if as an ER doc, I hadn’t seen it before in hundreds of addicts. Being with me had sparked the pleasure centers in his brain. Until he had his fix, they’d keep firing until his circuits exploded. He was hooked, and sex had always been his drug of choice.

“It’s okay, Chris,” I said. “Go ahead.”

He looked at me. “You sure?”

But he was already hiking up my dress. “Yes, I’m sure. Go ahead.”

He pushed himself inside, moving slow and rhythmic. It took a couple of minutes. Afterward, he was still sweating, holding me tightly. He smelled somewhere between a musk ox and a gym locker. He wiped his face again with his shirt. He was still breathing hard. He stood up, still holding me, and I wrapped my legs around his waist.

He took me to the bedroom, laid me on his bed, and lowered his head between my legs.

“Chris, no—”

“Please—”

“I’m so tired—”

“Please—”

“I can’t.”

“Let me try.”

“You’ll just get frustrated.”

“No, I won’t.” He probably wouldn’t. It was the one thing we did where he always exhibited an unusual amount of patience. “Please. I’ve missed you so much. I’m begging you. Please.”

I hated when he begged me. And I hated the fact that I’d left him. He had leverage now that he could use against me.

“C’mon, baby. It’s been so long. Please.”

I sighed. I didn’t say anything, and he took it as a yes.

Leverage.