I had only gone to the Santo Tomas library because my aunt had generously offered car and driver and I could not refuse without admitting to a lack of inspiration, although my aunt would likely not have cared. I knew that although my family admired my being a writer, none of them had read anything I’d written. I found it funny that this didn’t bother me, but it really didn’t. Still, once at the library, I felt it would be dishonest not to attempt a little research. Most often it was easy to procrastinate. For the last month, I had avoided writing with trips to visit relatives, trips to church, trips to the neighbors, and the three daily time-consuming meals. I joined Inchoy for his meetings with the Philosophy Club. I bathed the dog when he had fleas. I went to Tita Dom’s house to watch Probinsyano and insisted on accompanying her to the market, although Tita Dom didn’t like it because she was concerned that the price went up when they saw my light skin. I eagerly joined the seasonal trip to Nueva Ecija to collect the tribute from the kasamas, which would have given me a day alone in the house. I had spent the three hours in the car getting there, driven past the ancestral home, walked along a rice paddy, waited as the farmers assembled, watched their sun-lined faces crease with concern as they paid my aunt, and then gotten back into the car. I had tried to convince myself that this had something to do with my book, but it didn’t. Each word I put down seemed false and each sentence a plea for both approval and money, which meant that my style was too glib, too desperate.

The rain eased up and I took the opportunity to leave the library before it started again. I wasn’t sure where Mannie had parked the car, but I would present myself wherever the driver had most recently dropped me off, and he would reappear, as if by magic. Mannie was younger than me and for years had looked young, but, as if overnight, he had aged dramatically. I scanned the cars, reminding myself that I was looking for a white van driven by a white-haired driver.