That’s why I was so glad that Lisa and I were in two different cities early in our time of dating. We took thirty days to pray about whether we should move forward in the relationship, and I was so attracted to her that it took me probably twenty-five days to not allow that attraction to dominate me. But I got to a point in those thirty days that I knew if God said, “No,” I would be okay with it. I knew it would mean He had somebody else for me and somebody else for her. Once I reached that neutral point, I started really listening.

If I’m going into my prayer closet and I feel that I’m not neutral, I have to work on that—with the Word of God and prayer—until I am neutral. I need to be able to hear yes or no, because if I’m leaning one way or another, I’m going to get a false peace.

Lisa: We’ve done this a number of times in seasons of life when we’ve thought, It’s going to be this, it’s going to be then, and it’s going to be there—and then we realize it was none of that. We had to erase the entire board and say, “God, whatever You want.”

You talk about a kind of knowing that comes from the Spirit. When I was studying for the book Nurture, I looked up the word intuition. It is formed from the Latin words in and tueor, which together mean “inward tutor.”2 The Holy Spirit is our inward tutor. He gives us a new heart (see Ezekiel 36:26) and begins to teach us.

Lisa: There are instances in life—with people or situations—when everything looks right and feels wrong. Can you talk about that?

John: Every time I’ve not listened to that inward tutor—when everything was wrong in my spirit and looked right on the surface—it’s been a snare and a trap for me.

Lisa: Is that usually when you have an initial response that you reason away?

John: Yes. Usually that initial response is the Spirit of God. And the same issue has arisen when I’ve ignored your council, Lisa.

Let me say this to the husbands and wives. When Lisa and I were first married, I would pray for around an hour and a half a day. My observation was that Lisa prayed for ten minutes in the shower.

Lisa: I was working full time!

John: There were a lot of times when I would say, “Lisa, I really think we’re supposed to do this. I really feel like we’re supposed to do that.” And she would say, “I don’t feel that”—and she would be right half the time! I was so frustrated.