“I love you,” Nick said to me hastily as he was pulled away and disappeared from my eyeline. Things were moving very quickly—too quickly—as Brenda wheeled my bed out into the hallway, where a few other nurses helped pull me toward the room where I would meet my babies for the first time.

“I’ve never been early for anything in my life, Brenda,” I babbled. “This doesn’t make any sense. Is this because we went on a plane? Should I have stayed home?”

“No, luvvie,” Brenda said firmly. “You can’t go blaming yourself for what biology decided to do. Twins are early all the time. They’re probably eager to meet you, and soon enough, they will.”

She parked my bed in a small OR, where they erected a curtain across my chest that obstructed my view. The anesthesiologist got to work with my IVs, and I stared at the ceiling, blinking in time with one of the fluorescent lights that was flickering. Brenda turned it off and on again, and it steadied. My breathing did not.

Nick hurried in and sat down beside me, putting a hand on the top of my head. I reached for him, my chest starting to rise and fall with increasing vigor.

“It’s been a long road to get here,” he said. He was very pale. “Can you believe these are the last few minutes that it will be just us, ever again?”

I shook my head as much as I could. “It’s too soon,” I said, strained. “They’re too small. This shouldn’t be happening.”

He met my eyes. “I know. I’m scared, too.” Then he leaned down and whispered, “When I went to call Cilla, my hands were shaking so hard that I hit ‘Clive’ instead. Hung up in a flash, but that was quite a jolt.”

I giggled in spite of myself. “Oh God. That would be all we needed.”

“I know,” he said. “One more big scoop for our old friend, eh?”

I heard a bustling on the other side of the curtain, and then my obstetrician’s head appeared along with a face I didn’t recognize.

“Right, my dear, well, this is not the last time your children are going to ignore your best-laid plans,” he said. “Consider it their first tantrum, eh?”

“First of many,” Nick said, and I could hear the tightness of his throat.

We waited. The doctors worked. Nick smiled at me, tight-lipped. I could tell that he was frightened but trying to remain calm for me. I felt a little pressure, and nothing else. It was mostly silent until Brenda bent down and narrated, “She’s out.”

“She?” Nick and I looked at each other. “It’s a girl?”

Still silent.

“Why can’t I hear her?” I asked.

No one answered. I held my breath. The quiet was deep and it was suffocating and it was shredding me into a thousand pieces. It’s too soon. They’re not ready. I’d thought that about us when we got pregnant the first time, by accident, and now here I was freaking out about timing all over again. And with a life on the line. Again.