“So then he was always at Belinda’s. We would do things together, all three of us. We would go out and dance. He was really a good dancer. I would bring over stuff for when we hung out. Usually Molly.”

I glanced at our dog. She recognized my confusion.

“Molly. The drug. Ecstasy. Stefan just took what I gave him. So that would be how I would stop him. That night, the townie girl who sold me the drugs said, you can’t mess around with this stuff. It kills people. I didn’t care.”

“You heard her now, Mom,” Stefan put in, his fist slamming into the paneling.

I jumped up. “Don’t make it sound like she forced you, Stefan. You made that call yourself.”

I pictured my son as he had been that first night in the hospital jail ward, turned away from me, the back of his head soaked in blood, then turned toward me, his eyes sunken in dark pits, his fingernails crusted, spittle and blood dried on his lips.

That night, she first gave him the Molly, and only pretended to take some herself. “Then I told him he had to use a different way to take the other stuff. We went to my room and I boiled some water in my teakettle. I had those vitamin C packs you use for your immunity, so that was good. I could mix that with the drugs and some bottled water, and I did. Then I heated up the mix a little so it dissolved, and I got out a syringe and showed him how to shoot up because he had never done it before and he was afraid. You have to be really careful.”

“I can’t hear this crap,” I said, leaning forward to grip my knees, trying to control the spurt of bile in my throat. By now, I would have thought I would have the emotional equivalent of alligator hide, but I could still be shocked by the grim details.

“You said you wanted to hear every single thing.”

I took a long breath. “Okay.”

She went on, “You have to make sure the bevel of the needle is facing the right way. You start with the veins closest to the wrist. But at the last minute, I said, Stefan, don’t. That stuff is too much for you. But he did it anyway. I saw his eyes roll up in his head. After, he wanted me to drive him to Belinda’s. I called Belinda and she picked up. I said, I need you. She said, I need you too, but don’t come, don’t let Stefan near the place, because her mom had just called and Belinda hung up on her and Jill was going savage.”