I had considered this, oftener than I wanted to admit. If only we could leave, all of us, move away...anywhere... But Jep had his career. I had tenure. And without special permission, Stefan couldn’t travel more than fifty miles while he was on parole. So I made a careful abstract of my words before I answered. “No. You’re twenty years old. Life hasn’t passed you by. Maybe it’s going to be harder than we’d like to believe, though, at first. Maybe a lot harder than we think.” Maybe harder than I think, I admitted, and my heart began to tap-dance. “Getting out is supposed to be the beginning of the good part, the part we’ve all been waiting for. But some people may be against you, Stefan. I’ve told you that some people still stand outside our house. Talking about that isn’t the same as it’s going to be to really see that. It can be scary. And you know Jill’s position.”

“It’s not true. I mean, the worst part is true. But about Belinda being abused...no. Never. I never would.”

“Well, not everyone believes that. If it were just me and Dad, we’d say, only look ahead. But you’re going to have to keep fighting the things other people may say, at least for a while. That’s probably why people get in trouble when they come out of jail. The things people say get into their hearts.”

“All I can do is try. Right?”

“You can’t not try. I’m not Dad. I’m not a coach. But Dad says that there’s only one way to succeed in anything, and that’s to give it everything.”

“Dad didn’t say that. Vince Lombardi said that.”

“Well, Dad said it, too. I thought he was a genius.”

We stopped for another break. Another cup of foul coffee. My guts felt like I was coating them with some sort of engine cleaner. How did people drink shit like this and live past the age of forty? Stefan drove when we got back into the car, his first time behind the wheel.

“How I feel is, she died, but it should have been me. I have no right to be alive.”

“I’m thrilled that you’re driving then.”

“I think you worry that I’m going to kill myself. I don’t think Dad does, but you do.”

I said nothing. The wind shoved the car back and forth like a bear rocking a cradle. “Mom, think. If I wanted to kill myself, I could have killed myself in prison. They say they do all kinds of prevention, but they don’t. A guy I knew did it when I was in there.”

“He did? Why?”