The crew began by filming me supposedly writing at my desk, then moved quickly to my kitchen table where I had spread out the materials for my upcoming book. Deanie Kessler introduced me, then asked me to explain what the book was about. And I skipped right into a snare: “Women in literature who were obsessed, with men mostly but also with society and the dangerous amusements there, with their reputations...”

As if listening to a simultaneous translator, I reflected on how my words sounded—even as I spoke them.

Great. Just great.

“Don’t use that part about my book,” I told Deanie Kessler.

“Why not? It was really just a warm-up question anyhow but tell me what bothers you about it.”

This was like therapy.

“Nothing,” I said, guaranteeing that the quote would make it past the final edit.

From that moment, every word I said seemed fatuous. I knew my son. I knew that the awful event that happened was an aberration. How? He told me. I knew Stefan was basically a gentle person. He even chose not to play college football because it was too rough.

“Given everything, given what he did to this girl, can you say that your love for your only son has never diminished?”

“I...of course not. I love him. You never stop loving your child.”

The final segment featuring me would last about eight minutes. The whole time the crew of In Our Times spent at our house comprised about eight hours, which felt like eight years. Finally, as I was watching the crew pack their gear and leave, they waved to the protestors, who waved back. Exhausted, I retreated upstairs to my bedroom.

Early one evening a couple of weeks later, I was in that bedroom again with my sister Amelia and Julie. We lay three across on my bed in a row, relaxed as kindling in a box, and watched the segment. Downstairs, Stefan and Jep watched the show with Amelia’s husband, Andy.

Why was I surprised to discover they had interviewed Jill?

I should not have been surprised.

Why was I surprised when a third of our segment was devoted to her contention that the community was in danger when violent offenders were released, and that was why the work of SAY was more important than ever? Why was I surprised when she said that Belinda chose to go to college in Black Creek yes, in a youthful rebellion against her strict Southern Baptist upbringing, but also to escape Stefan’s increasingly controlling behavior?