Bad: the reaction of that man to something I said. I felt such despair as I watched him running along the valley, looking like someone bent on self-destruction. I thought, how grim to be stuck here in this idyllic spot with a corpse and a howling dog, no one for miles to rescue me, only the hawk whose hovering now became quite sinister in my mind. I tried to think of a Roger McGough poem to say out loud to myself, but I couldn’t. I just watched him as he ran until he came to what seemed to be an edge and then he stopped running and stood looking out over the sky and floating clouds. At least he didn’t seem to be going to do anything idiotic so I closed my eyes then and let happiness seep into my bones.

I must tell the doctor about that experience; it costs less than pills and potions.

I don’t think we spoke much on the drive home. To tell the truth, I was afraid that I might again say something that would upset Lar, and he was sunk in some misery of his own. I wondered if he would tell me what it was; I also wondered if I wanted to know.

As we came in the door he gave me a little push towards my room and said, ‘I’m in charge for the rest of the day. I’m going to shop and cook us a meal. You go and do whatever it is you do in there.’

Good feeling, someone else in charge. Only temporarily, though. Oh yes, only temporarily.

Yes

The Gingerbread Woman

(continued)

Yes. He rang the bell at seven-thirty, and I was ready waiting, feeling like a child going off on a treat, part apprehensive, part joyful. His arms were full of parcels and my heart sank momentarily. He’s going to expect me to cook, I thought. Surprise, surprise! I was going to say something sarcastic, but before I could even open my mouth, he leant towards me and brushed my cheek with his.

‘I’ve been so scared,’ he said. ‘I thought maybe my memory was playing games with me, but it wasn’t. You’re just as beautiful as I thought you were.’

I allowed him through the door without saying anything.

‘I do hope you won’t be angry with me. I dropped into Zabar’s on the way here and I have everything. Everything. I am going to make a feast for you.’

He clumped down the stairs behind me, the bags rustling and clinking as he moved. I still didn’t speak. I felt sarcastic in my head though. Inside my door he lowered the parcels to the floor and took hold of me. He kissed the back of my neck and then turned me round towards him.

‘It’s been so long. I honestly tortured myself with the notion that I would have forgotten what you looked like. I just knew I wanted you to myself. I didn’t want to share a single one of your smiles with anyone else. I wanted so much to be alone with you. No world to get in the way. Oh Clara.’