The brown liquid foamed down over his face, into his eyes and ears and down his neck. His pale blue Brooks Brothers’ shirt became brown, his tie was streaked with the liquid. It ran round the collar of his jacket and then over his shoulders. A pint is quite a lot of liquid. I was hoping that it would penetrate through all his clothes to his pale golden skin.

‘Explain that to the anagram,’ I said and left the bar.

The barman shouted something after me that sounded like, ‘That’s the stuff to give the troops.’ But I wouldn’t swear to it.

I don’t remember getting home, dodging through the people and the traffic, along Bleecker and across the Avenue of the Americas, but I eventually found myself on my doorstep. My eyes were not focusing and my hands were shaking. I sat down on the step and emptied my bag out onto the ground beside me, hoping to find my key. I put my head in my hands and began to cry. Like a romantic fool I sat hunched on the step and wept; tears spread out from under my hands and over my chin. I tasted the salt in my mouth, the collar of my shirt was wet, my nose ran slime. That was too much. I groped on the ground beside me for a tissue. I had no luck, but at least I found my keys. I wiped my face on my sleeve, shoved my rubbish back into my bag and stood up.

That was when a savage pain in my back suddenly assaulted me and I had to hold onto the railing for a moment before I was able to move. I could hear the telephone in my bedroom ringing. I was glad I wasn’t there to answer it. After a few minutes the pain eased and I went into the house. The telephone was still ringing as I let myself in the door of my apartment. I hobbled across the room and picked up the receiver.

‘Fuck off!’ I yelled into it, hoping to burst his eardrum. I slammed the receiver down again and pulled the plug out of the wall. I went into the bathroom and washed my face. I looked horrible both before and after washing. In the cabinet over the basin was a box of Neurofen, unopened; I was not a pill popper and had just brought it with me in case of emergencies. This seemed to me to be an emergency. I took four. I was not contemplating suicide, merely oblivion for a while. I drank a glass of water and went and lay down fully dressed on my bed.

I wanted my mother.

They both surprised each other.