Dora had promised she would come look for barnacles but then she hadn’t. The beach was full of people and now it wasn’t. I think it wasn’t so bad, he said. I think you’re only pretending. He stood behind and reached his hand around my thigh and dug his fingers under the elastic of my swimsuit. It was the one-piece with the green stripes. Shhh. I wasn’t surprised. Why wasn’t I surprised? I couldn’t see his face but I could hear him breathing. His breath smelled like beer and sandwich meat gone sour. I felt his voice again: Shhh, hissing like waves.

Later Dora was waiting: You find any good ones? Can I see them? Stood there with hands on hips, expecting. You didn’t find any? There were so many moments she felt like a stranger, but I think that was the first.

Sometimes Stella calls. I told her I didn’t want to talk and she said we didn’t have to. Now we sit in silence for minutes at a time, holding our mouths near the phones. I can hear her breathing and I know she can hear mine too.

“I see you talking on the porch,” Winnie said. “Who’s it with?”

“We’re not talking,” I said. “We’re just quiet.”

I told her it was my daughter. It was something I’d been wanting to say for a while. Not because it felt exactly right but because I wanted to try the shape and size of it. What would it feel like as the truth? In this place it can be.

Winnie comes back and I’m still on the porch. The bottle doesn’t make her flinch or even look twice. It’s nearly empty. She knows about my life, what it’s become.

“I know the feeling,” she said. “I’d drink if I could.”

The truth is, I’ve seen her do it plenty of times, but she swears it off every couple of days. At least she has a reason. I’ve wanted so badly to be stopped, for so many years, but I look at her big round stomach and know there’s not a damn thing stopping me now.

“You need something?” she says. “You want some help getting to bed?”

I’m quiet. I don’t even raise my head.

“You okay?”

I press my temples with my dirty fingers. I start blinking. My eyes get blurry and so does the whole world.

“You want me to call your daughter?”