‘The lack of focus confused and divided my parents. My mother broke away and formed a more radical, violent splinter group: the Atheists’ Defence Force. The ADF and the ALA began feuding over conflicting views of the struggle. The house turned into a battle zone, both physical and ideological. I was stuck in the middle, the only neutral ground. I started to pray.’

This had all gone far enough. I was enjoying myself, but I was also beginning to feel ashamed. No matter how credulous Gavin was, it wasn’t right to deceive him. And, however playfully I talked about these joke parents, I was really insulting the memory of my own mother and Big Jacky.

He started looking them up in the index of his book, excitedly. ‘I’ve never heard of this. What was it called again, this group?’

The fizz had gone out of me.

‘To be honest, Gavin, all that stuff there was just a bit of a joke,’ I said sadly.

Gavin looked at me mistrustfully, as though I had just confessed in a wee squeaky voice: ‘I’m a Munchkin, actually.’ He seemed angry. Well, he had every right to be.

He slowly collected up his books and leaflets and moved towards the door with a certain amount of self-possession.

‘I hope you have an enjoyable day,’ he said stiffly.

‘You too,’ I said.

The door banged shut. I slumped over my tepid mug of sweet tea. It had all been pure nonsense. I felt horrible.

The fierce jollity I had felt in teasing Gavin evaporated, leaving behind a nasty, bitter taste. Here I was, camping in a kind friend’s already overcrowded house, jobless and homeless, cheaply taunting some gullible English cousin. What had I got to be a smart-arse about?

I hadn’t hit the McGee fellow out of bravery, either; I couldn’t even comfort myself with that. I had no desire for dangerous thrills: the mere thought of pursuing a sport like white-water rafting or bungee jumping had always filled me with horror. Why would someone pay money to be dangled by their heels from a long piece of elastic until their retinas detached? Round here that was the sort of thing that happened to you if you were caught in bed with an IRA man’s wife.