No matter how alike he and Kevin really were, the critical difference between them made Neil feel worlds away from all of this. Kevin had Andrew to lean on, and Neil had no one at all to confide his hopelessness and loneliness in. Whether Neil left today or tomorrow or next week, he'd leave alone. Two, five, ten years from now, if Neil was even still alive, he'd still be alone. He could be anyone, anywhere in the world, but he'd be alone until the day he died. He'd never trust anyone enough to let them in.

And that was why Neil couldn't go.

Even if everything in Neil screamed at him to run, Neil couldn't do it, not after seeing that little show between Kevin and Andrew today. Maybe he was pathetic, or maybe he was too jealous to walk away. Maybe Neil just needed to understand.

Why did Kevin always get more? Kevin lived with an awful family, but he had a home and a reputation and a following. He grew up in the spotlight while Neil was left looking over his shoulder in a dozen countries around the world. Kevin lost his hand but gained his freedom. He was stubborn enough and skilled enough to pick up where he'd left off, even if it meant learning how to play with his weaker hand. He had a coach and a teammate willing to defy the Moriyamas for him. Why? Why did Kevin deserve all that?

Why did he deserve Neil? Why should Neil hesitate here and worry about him when Neil's own life was on the line? After the way Kevin treated him this summer, Neil should be happy. This was the perfect time to duck out. The team would assume Neil was a scared kid who couldn't deal with the Moriyama truth and the press would be too busy following Kevin and Riko to dwell on another failed Fox. Neil should send Riko an anonymous thank-you card and go over the border to Mexico.

But Neil couldn't, not yet.

He shook a clump of ash off onto the windowsill and pushed his finger against it, smearing it into a dark streak on the white paint. He looked up at the clouds and searched them for his mother's furious face. "One of us has to make it, Mom."

It wasn't going to be Neil. It was obvious he was too stupid to survive without his mother if he let himself get into messes like this. But maybe Kevin could do it. Maybe he'd get through this somehow, riding his talent and Andrew's psychotic obsession and Wymack's fierce protection. Maybe he'd get through this season on the Foxes' roster and be safe. He'd recover and he'd be free. Neil couldn't leave until he knew Kevin would be okay. He didn't want to find out from half the world away.