I cannot entrust my friend's life to something I am so unsure of and that I am still so angry with for taking my family and leaving me here in this world.

And so instead I tell him of the things I do believe in, the things I know to be true only because of faith. I tell him the stories my mother used to tell me about life before the Return.

I tell him about the ocean.

I know that I'm in love with Travis at these moments. I can feel the way that I ache to make him whole again. How if I could drain out my own life and share it with him to make him better I would not hesitate to do so. And I don't understand how, day after day, I can come into this room and lean my face so close to his that my lips brush his cheeks and ears, and he hasn't gotten better.

When I'm not with Travis but alone in my own room I can't forget that day down by the stream, the day my mother became infected. I remember how Harry told me that Travis had chosen my best friend Cass and not me. Even though Cass hasn't been to the Cathedral to sit with Travis the way I have. Even though she doesn't deserve him the way I do, I remember that Travis is already pledged to another. That it is Cass he would be courting now if not for his broken leg.

And knowing this fills me with rage and longing that twine so deeply inside me that I cannot distinguish the two and all I know is that I desire.

This is how I know I can never be a true servant of God, why I will never be able to give myself over to the Sisters. Because I love Travis too much to set him aside.

I have been telling Travis about the ocean. He has fallen into a fevered sleep, his lips slack, but I continue to whisper into his dreams, trying to compel him to get well. As usual I kneel next to his bed, one hand smoothing back the hair from his forehead, and I am like this when the door opens behind me. Before I see who it is I say a quick “Amen” and pull myself to my feet, my cheeks flushed and my breath coming in soft little pants.

My eyes grow wide as I see who the visitors are: Cass and Harry followed by Sister Tabitha.

“Mary!” Cass calls out. She runs to me and throws her arms around me and I do the same to her, burying my face in her white-blonde hair. Even though it's the dead of winter she still smells like sunshine.

I can already feel the tears stinging my eyes and burning the back of my throat. It is the combination of having missed my best friend, of having missed physical contact and the betrayal of falling in love with Travis. For once I am glad that I'm not allowed to speak because I don't know what I would say to Cass, how I could explain why she has found me kneeling next to Travis, one hand in his hair.