“And then the groom will say ‘I do.’ ” The priest motions to me.

“I do,” I say dutifully.

Wyatt says it with more conviction … and that just about breaks me.

This isn’t our life. It isn’t.

And it never will be, no matter how badly I want it.

*  *  *

The dinner is a chaotic affair held in the banquet hall of the hotel. Every single person who is here for this wedding is present. Kids are running around; adults are eating and drinking a little too much before the early morning tomorrow.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. Between this morning and Mother fussing at me, dealing with Nana’s stares and Grandpa’s comments that aren’t quite transphobic but still feel like they are, the heat and my empty stomach adding up to one hell of a headache, Wyatt has attached themself to my hip when I just want a little bit of space as we enter the banquet hall absolutely filled with people. They try to hold my hand as we walk in, but I slip it away.

They look at me and ask, “Are you okay?”

No, I’m not.

“Just a headache, sorry.”

“No worries. Maybe you just need some food.”

We move to our table, which seems to be where the teenagers have been exiled. Lindsay and Josh are already both there, along with a few of Ashley’s relatives who can’t be more than maybe twelve or thirteen.

“How was the rehearsal?” Josh asks.

Why am I even here?

Between sitting next to Wyatt, and being only a few seats away from Josh, I feel hot, like my clothing is getting too tight on my body. Am I having a panic attack? Is that what this is?

No, right?

I’ve never had a panic attack before, even in the days leading up to my surgery or when I came out to Mother. At least, I don’t think I’ve ever had a panic attack.

But isn’t it so much more than that? Isn’t it the heat of the lights above me and the constant talking that only seems to be getting louder, Wyatt’s touch on my knee and the tingle at the back of my head, the gurgle of my stomach and the irritation from spending my entire morning getting yelled at by a woman who doesn’t even seem to like me?

I just want to be done with the day.

The sooner, the better.

“It was okay,” Lindsay says. “God, I sweated in my dress, though. The wedding is going to be miserable.”

“Yikes.” Josh’s eyes go wide as he takes a sip of his water.

“And Wyatt and Neil got married!”