Chloe squeezes my hand. Her slim fingers intertwine with mine between us. She hasn’t spoken since I started talking. Just listens and holds my hand to let me know she’s here.

“When I come to, I have to remind myself he’s already dead. In the dream, he’s alive. I always wake up before he dies so for a few seconds I think it was all just a bad dream. I can’t fucking remember and when my brain catches up to reality… he’s gone and I start the process of grieving him all over again.”

Chloe turns on her side to face me, but I don’t drop her hand—I hold onto it like a lifeline. Her teeth sink into her trembling bottom lip.

“I’ve never told anyone all that,” I confess.

“How come?” she asks tentatively.

“It’s fucking embarrassing. Joel and Zeke know I have the nightmares.”

It feels weird to call them that, but I guess that’s what they are. Reliving the worst fucking day of my life from an alternate point of view. I hadn’t been there when my dad had a heart attack in his favorite recliner, but I’ve seen it over and over nearly every night since.

“Zeke used to come in and wake me up when they were really bad. Most of the time I wake up on the floor in the morning, my room trashed, and I have no memory of doing it.”

Rolling on top of me, Chloe blankets me with all of her. Her hair falls around her shoulder into my face and I breathe it in. I breathe her in. She’s an ocean of possibilities and hope that there’s still good to hold onto. That there’s still good in me.

“It’s never happened twice in the same night, but if you want me to sleep somewhere else tonight, I’ll totally understand.” I run my hand over her hair and down her back. “Or if you want me to take you home.”

She stands and holds her hands out to me. I get to my feet and she pulls me to the bed. “I’m not going anywhere.”

And neither do I.

I’m dragging ass as I walk across the street to the fieldhouse at dark thirty. I left Chloe sleeping in my bed and damn it was hard to leave. As my muscles warm up and the fog from not enough sleep starts to ease away, I find my rhythm.

We split into two teams and do a light scrimmage to run through plays. We’ve got the exhibition game coming up and a lot of work to do before we show the university and local fans this year’s team.