“I don’t truly know. The time she spent with the Älvolk when she was young shaped her heart and mind more than I had ever imagined. Indu and his rhetoric burrowed deep inside her and slowly ate away her brain.” He scowled. “That’s the only way I can explain how she could betray her sister—and her mother’s memory—the way she has.”

“How did Senka die?” I asked.

“She was bitten by an etanadrak in the spring. The venom didn’t kill her but she never fully recovered. When she later fell ill with a bloody cough, it was too much for her.”

Another weight around my heart tightened, like a noose squeezing so tightly that every heartbeat ached. I had known she was dead, but hearing Jem say it—right after finding out my father was also dead—it was hard for me not to cry.

“Hey, hey, are you okay?” Jem sounded alarmed as tears spilled over my cheeks.

“Yeah.” I wiped at my face and sighed. “Life has just been . . . a lot lately.”

Jem moved closer to me and put his arm around me, loose but comforting. “I know precisely what you mean.”

I shook my head. “I feel so silly. All this time, I thought I would feel better just knowing the truth about my parents. And now I found out the truth, and I’m blubbering.”

“You haven’t exactly been getting good news,” Jem said reasonably.

“That is very true,” I agreed with a weary laugh. “But I’m glad that Eliana is safe here, and I’m safe.” I looked over at Jem, so close to me, with his dark eyes on me. “And you.”

“And Sumi,” he added because I didn’t.

Heat flushed my cheeks and I looked away from him. “Right, yes.” I swallowed hard. “I am grateful everyone is safe and sound.”

“I know,” he said with a playful squeeze of my shoulder, and my stomach flipped.

“I have . . .” I trailed off because I didn’t know how to finish it. Or if I needed to say anything at all, or if I would just make myself seem even more ridiculous than I already had.

I wanted to tell Jem about Pan. That we were . . . something.

And maybe I was misreading the situation. Jem was trying to make me feel better, and my tears had stopped. But I still felt like crying, and I did also kind of want to kiss Jem, even though I mostly just wished that Pan were here instead, and I wanted to throw up.

I was all over the place, and I swear at that moment, I felt every single thing all at once.

“You have what?” Jem asked, because I’d never finished my sentence.

“I have no idea what I’m doing anymore or how to feel about anything,” I said finally.