“You’re such a wimp.” Madison frowned, bored.

“Thanks.”

“I swear, you wouldn’t know what to do with an emotion if it climbed into your purple boxers and bit you where the sun don’t shine.”

“Then why did you ask me if I like anyone?”

“Oh.” She adjusted her top, as if she’d forgotten why we’d started down this road. “Because I like someone. Don’t worry. I didn’t catch feelings for you. That would be tragic—no, I need insider info.”

Uh-oh. Heat rose to the tips of my ears. Insider info applied to two bros. Maybe it would include Robert or Jamal.

“Who?” I asked.

Madison made an act out of sniffing the flowers around us. “I can help you, you know. If you do really want to go out with her.”

“I’d do fine on my own, thank you.”

She moved from sniffing bouquets of flowers to a pot of something purple.

“One wrong move with that girl and you’re toast,” she said. “You’re going to have to, what’s that word . . . try? And there’s even something you can do pour moi.”

“Jesus, Madison, what is it?”

“Carter.”

The blood drained from my face.

“He’s the only guy in school who’s never looked twice at me. I’m shooting for a perfect record. If you can help me get Carter, I’ll help you get Eliza.”

I couldn’t believe I considered her proposition, even if only for a moment.

“I stand by my natural wit and charm,” I said.

“In that case,” said Madison, “I can’t wait to tell Carter about your nighttime swimming adventure with his sister moments after you hooked up with me. Obviously, I won’t get to tell him about it as soon as I’d like, but inevitably . . .”

She did not.

“It’s not worth it, Madison, sorry. I don’t like her as much as you think I do, and I don’t need to do this.” Good talk, I thought to myself. You’ve got this totally under control.

“No, Maguire,” she said. “You do. You just don’t know it yet. I gotta go get milk.”

Madison saluted me, then sauntered off into the distant aisle seven.

I was caught in the crowd milling about, the loaf of bread heavy in my hand, but not as heavy as her ultimatum. The little old lady who’d interrupted Eliza before now examined flowers on the shelves opposite me. A little boy wrestled his sister for a box of cereal a few feet away.

It felt funny to imagine that, for these people, the most important thing for them to think about was whether to make spaghetti or burritos for dinner.

Whereas I’d completely lost my appetite.

RULE NUMBER 8

A bro shalt not back down from spicy foods.

My appetite came back for lunch the next day, however, when I sat with Carter and the rest of the soccer team at our usual super-long table in the back of the cafeteria, as far away from the teachers as possible. It was right against the dirty windows that bore a close resemblance to the back of my Mustang, that time I’d gotten three layers of mud caked onto it from that shortcut in the woods between Carter’s and Austin’s houses. We’d taken it after Austin got grounded for shoplifting deodorant and had broken out of his room to play the new Nintendo game with Carter. The hangout went later than we’d intended, and I’d booked him back to his prison. It ended up not saving any time, however, since my car got stuck in the mud and we had to push it out. The things we do for Nintendo and deodorant.