“The world goes ’round,” I say.

The pouch settles on my desk with a thud. I can hear the weight of it. I open it slowly, pour the golden coins into my hand.

I count the coins, one by one, into my palm where they glint briefly in the sun. Soon enough the coins are gone, out into the open mouths of debt and food.

ON WEEKENDS, I FALL BACK INTO OLD routines. Mid-day, I realize I am washing the white walls of my apartment with lemons.

Then I shower, wash the triangle of hair between my legs, scrub my body with fine-grit salts until my skin screams.

Later in the grocery store, I speak like a pro at the meat counter:

“I’ll have a steak, please.”

Then I put the steak in the cart. I push the cart to the checkout lane and pay for it.

At home: Marinate, temperature check, make the flesh good and cooked, then devour the territory.

VISION

I don’t ask for much at home. It is silent there. I light three candles, then I stare at the walls while the hours pass.

On the walls, I keep a calendar. Here, I monitor my emotional states. Today, for instance, I write down EVACUATED because I don’t feel myself in my body. Instead, I feel like a glistening container waiting to be filled with an event or a love. Each morning in the mirror, I chant the phrase, “I am someone waiting for something to happen.”

Sometimes, I play a record. Sometimes, I read a book.

Within the pages of the book are photographs of craters in the earth taken from space. Often, the craters look like scars on the human skin of land. When a crater hits earth, debris is released which can pollute the air, or even block the sun. It is important to learn one fact each day to keep the mind sharp.

Always, I am standing outside of myself while I watch my other self complete these tasks. I report back with updates: We are eating chicken. We are sharpening our minds. We are expanding our skill sets. One day, someone will happen upon us and love us genuinely and truly for these motions.

BEFORE BED, MY PHONE RINGS, THEN MY mother’s voice.

“How are you? How is the big city treating you?”

“Great! Fine, really. The weather is great. How is it back home?”

“Oh, you know, just the way it always is. Boring! And you know your father, out in the damn Meat Quarry. Your brother, too. I might as well not even exist!”

“That’s not true,” I force myself to say.

“Oh, you know how the boys are. I will say, business has slowed down, so they are working overtime to make up for it.”

“Why is it slowing down?”