“Just remember,” he said with a kiss on each cheek, then one more for luck. “If you block out everything, you end up with nothing.”

It felt as if Emily’s feet were moving, but she had no idea whether or not she wanted to go where they were taking her. She began to hum the tune to a long-forgotten hymn as she walked away from the river, away from the man who taught her grandmother how to toss a circle of dough into the sky. One more step toward the unknown. Like a lab rat in a maze from which there was no escape.

Don’t panic, she told herself as she came into a square alive with noise and smell and people. Everywhere there were people, on all sides, like walls closing her in. She longed for the stretch of shoreline she could find so close to home. Part of her ached for the sight of the ocean that continued over and beyond the horizon and the endless curve of sky that she liked to watch the passage of time play out on. The rising sun, the dance of cloud, the myriad of stars that spoke to her of people from long ago, who had stared up at a light so far away, that guided them as they explored an unknown world.

Where was her constant, her Northern Star, keeping her safe from harm?

Emily sat on the pavement outside a café and checked her watch, spotting a couple as she searched through the chaos. Tyler was taking pictures of people on his phone and scribbling in his notebook. Phoebe was seated next to him, eating ice cream and reading something Emily could not see. Three suitcases were lined up next to the table, all ready to go.

Not exactly what Giancarlo meant, but they were all she had and, right now, she had no desire to carry on alone. Right now, she needed someone to tell her it was going to be okay.

Tyler looked up as Emily approached, saw the anxiety written all over her face. “What’s the matter?”

“I don’t know,” she replied, turning the envelope over in her hand, wishing she could peep inside, just for a second, to decide whether or not the words it contained would do more harm than good.

“Have you read it?” He was staring at her. Everyone was always staring at her.

“No.”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t know.”

There was a sudden cheer, and Emily looked across to see a woman throw her arms around a man, who then picked her up and turned full circle. As he did so, something caught the sun, flicked a patch of light onto Emily’s face and she turned her head away. She had no desire to look upon their happiness when she could sense something else, waiting. With a deep breath, she slipped her finger under the envelope’s seal and pulled out the pages of palest blue.

28 July 2003

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”