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ALSO BY CHUCK BARRIS

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Bad Grass Never Dies: More Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

The Game Show King

You and Me, Babe: A Novel

Copyright

SIMON & SCHUSTER
Rockefeller Center
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination. Although, for the sake of verisimilitude, the names of certain real people and entities are used in the book, their use is fictional and their interactions with the characters the author has invented are wholly the author’s creation and are not intended to be understood as descriptions of real or actual events, or to reflect in any way upon the actual conduct or character of these real people or entities.

SIMON & SCHUSTER and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Barris, Chuck.
The big question: a novel / Chuck Barris.
p. cm.
1. Reality television programs—Fiction. 2. Game shows—Fiction. I. Title.
PS3552.A7367B54 2007
813'.54—dc22
2006052617

ISBN-13: 978-1-4165-3928-5
ISBN-10:      1-4165-3928-X

Dedication

for my dear wife, Mary
No matter how much time I have left with you,
it isn’t enough.

and for my dear friend Reuven Frank
Referring to television, Reuven once told me,
“In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man
is a consultant.”

I was never quite sure what Reuven meant by that,
but I believed him.

Epigraph

You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.

—CORMAC MCCARTHY

I

It happened on a bleak Friday afternoon in late November…

It happened on a bleak Friday afternoon in late November in the year 2011. That’s when the hand shot out and grabbed him.

The assault took place during one of those cold spells that occur with regularity between Thanksgiving and Christmas. A blustery wind whipped around street corners and made life miserable. It was the kind of cold New Yorkers say goes right through you. The streets were filled with bundled-up shoppers in overcoats and scarves, executives wearing dark blue cashmere topcoats, tourists shivering in mackinaws, earmuffs, and Yankee baseball caps just purchased from street vendors.

The fingers that took hold of him were so strong he could feel the pressure through his fur-lined raincoat, sport coat, turtleneck sweater, and the two undershirts beneath. The man had been lost in thought walking along the east side of Madison Avenue when the attack took place. He experienced a thick feeling of terror grip his chest like an iron vise. He was sure he would soon be fighting for his life against a demented lunatic right there in the middle of the pavement. He could see tomorrow morning’s Post headline:

CRAZE-O MURDERS FAMOUS TV
PRODUCER ON UPPER EAST SIDE

The hand spun him around. As the producer came face-to-face with his assailant, he couldn’t believe his eyes. The hand with the powerful grip belonged to a pathetic old cripple!

The producer was relieved.

He wouldn’t have to physically defend himself against a crazed maniac after all. Quite the contrary. His assailant was powerless and disabled, old and sickly to boot. The geezer had to be in his eighties, guessed the producer. The old man’s strong grip came from years of supporting himself on a crutch. He had been frightened by a lame, emaciated bum, frail and misshapen.

The cripple had a face full of liver spots. He hadn’t shaved in days. His sparse beard was filthy. Crumbs of food were embedded in it. His lips were chapped, split in some places, with several sores on them. The old cripple’s entire right side was tilted down toward the street. His right arm hung limply by his side. His right leg appeared to be almost useless. It was obvious he’d suffered a stroke. The cripple wore a seedy, weather-beaten fedora and a torn and stained overcoat worn more for protection than looks, like a turtle’s carapace. The coat was held together by one button and several large safety pins. Portions of dirty socks protruded through the sides of his old, cracked shoes.

The producer’s relief turned immediately to violent machismo. He pulled away from the filthy clutching fingers with a violent jerk. When he did, the old cripple stumbled backward one or two steps. Several passersby scowled at the man for being so arrogant and physical with someone so old and less fortunate than himself.

The cripple seemed unperturbed.

The producer was furious. Goddamn it, he thought, why do I always attract the lunatic fringe? Why does every panhandler follow me down the entire length of the street asking for money, waving his filthy paper cup in my face? How come every hobo carrying a billboard on his back shoves his flyers into my stomach and every pedestrian with the flu coughs and sneezes in my direction when he walks by? And why does every nitwit in Manhattan stop me to give me his god-awful television ideas? As sure as I’m standing here, this derelict has the best television show ever created by man.

“What do you think you’re doing?” hissed the producer.

“Aren’t you…aren’t you the guy who—?”

“I’m not anyone you should be the least bit concerned about.”

“But you are, aren’t you? You’re the famous—”

The cripple slurred his words when he talked. Yellowish spittle gathered in the corners of his mouth and saliva drippings covered his chin. Nothing about the poor soul was the least bit appealing.

“I’m not famous.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Just go away, you son of a bitch, and leave me alone.”

“Easy now, mister. There’s no need for that kind of language. Show a little respect for your elders. Just tell me whether you are or are not the big-shot television producer who had all those game and reality shows on the air. The one I’ve been wanting to talk to for an entire year. No, more like praying to talk to. Well, come on, you are, aren’t you?”

“I’m a television producer, but I’m not famous. Now go away.”

“Ha! I knew you were famous and I know who you are. You’re—”

“Didn’t I just tell you to go away? Where do you get off grabbing my shoulder, anybody’s shoulder, you bent and misshapen piece of scheise.”

“I must talk to you,” said the cripple, immune to slurs. “I’m sure you won’t believe your ears when I tell you what I’m going to tell you. Or your eyes when you see what I have to show you. You’ll—”

“You’re not going to show me a damn thing. Now go away, do you hear?”

“Like I was saying, you’ll want to hear what I have to say because…because…” The cripple suddenly stopped speaking and started coughing. Violently. The spasms turned his white face red as the poor man gasped for breath. The cripple’s helpless coughing momentarily mesmerized the producer. It caused him to stare at the sick shell of a man and wonder when he would quit his awful hacking. Other pedestrians stopped walking and regarded the cripple as they passed. Eventually the cripple was able to get his coughing under control, and when he did he continued speaking as if nothing had happened. “…because it’s important I speak with you. Very very very important. Three verys.” The cripple cackled.

“I’m sure what you have to discuss is important,” said the producer. “Every misfit walking the streets of this city always wants to talk to me about something important, usually some incredible television idea, the best ever created by man. Or the beggar wants money for something. Okay, okay, I’ll give you a couple of dol—”

“I don’t want your goddamn money!” snapped the cripple, fuming. He took a deep breath. “God knows I can use it, but I don’t want it. I didn’t stop you to ask for money. I stopped you because I want to offer you something that I am sure will make you money. Tons of it. And some most assuredly for me too. I just want you to come to my room and hear what I have to say and see what I have to show you. I can explain everything…and…and you know…a picture is worth a thousand words, right? When I show you my video you’ll see what I mean. I need you to come to my apartment because I don’t want to take the video out into the street. You’ll understand why when you see it. It’s the most incredible television idea—”

“See! Of course it’s an incredible television idea. Didn’t I tell you every miscreant on the street has an incredible television idea? It’s always an incredible television idea. Not just a good television idea but an incredible television idea. Do you have any idea how many times I am approached with incredible television ideas in a given week?” The producer shook his head, taking a moment to think angry thoughts. “Besides, I don’t develop television program ideas anymore, Bozo, especially someone else’s television idea. I never did that. I only develop my own ideas. Besides, I quit the damn television business long ago, and—”

“Not that long ago. Not really. What’s it been? Five years?”

“Ten.”

“Okay, ten. If it’s been ten years, then it’s time for you to get back into the fray.” The cripple smiled.

“Don’t you presume to tell me—”

“You won’t believe this idea of mine,” continued the cripple. “You must hear what I have to explain to you and see what I have to show you in private. It’s extremely important you see the videotape. It’s also important that it be just the two of us. After you hear what I have to say and see the tape, you’ll understand. I promise you, I absolutely promise you, you’ll beg me to let you do my program idea posthaste. You’re the one person alive who’s smart enough to understand what I intend to show you and do something about it.”

A passing ambulance’s screaming siren momentarily stopped the two men’s exchange. During the lull, the producer thought to himself, maybe this creep will go away peacefully if I just speak calmly and nicely to him.

“Look, old man,” he said calmly and nicely, even trying to smile a bit, which was difficult, for the producer never smiled, “you’ve got the wrong guy. I don’t have all the contacts with the networks and syndicators I used to have. I would have a hard time getting an idea of my own done these days. Believe me, that’s true. Good-bye, old man.”

The producer turned and started to walk away.

“That’s bullshit,” yelled the old cripple, limping after him.

Vera Bundle decided to make herself a cup of afternoon tea in the kitchen of her home in Steubenville, Ohio.

Steubenville’s just across the Ohio-Pennsylvania border on the Ohio side, a bit west of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and north of Wheeling, West Virginia. Like Pittsburgh, Steubenville’s a steel town. They make a lot of it there. Or used to. They also have some fairly large paper mills in Steubenville and more whorehouses than most cities of comparable size. Steubenville’s a gray, depressing city. Its population has been trending downward since 1980. Roughly twenty thousand people live there now.

Dean Martin grew up in Steubenville.

Vera Bundle did too.

Short and plump, Vera Bundle was in her midseventies and still relatively spry for her age. She was never seriously sick and had good color. Her hair was frizzy and naturally brown. She kept it cut short and worn in a pageboy. The bangs running across her forehead resembled dead weeds, making Vera appear even more dowdy than she was, which was seriously dowdy. Vera Bundle tended to wear plain, formless dresses, usually under an apron tied in the back. She always wore sensible shoes on her slightly large feet and favored small hats when she went out. Vera had a nice smile but didn’t use it often. That’s because Vera Bundle rarely had a lot to smile about.

Vera always wore a pair of granny spectacles that rested on the bridge of her red and veiny nose. The hundreds of tiny purple veins came from years of drinking “occasional” glasses of sherry and frequent shots of J&B scotch. She drank mostly out of boredom and more now than she had in the past. Even Vera noticed how her drinking had increased. She guessed it was due to her becoming more and more uninterested and listless about life. She often wondered why over the past few years a gray curtain seemed to have dropped down in front of her. Why, the first word she said every morning when she woke was “damn.” Vera never used to wake up and say that. She used to be happy in the morning. It was the start of a brand-new day.

Now she said damn.

Vera missed her dear husband, Norville. More now than she had in the past. Perhaps that was the root of her unhappiness. Prolonged life without Norville—it had been almost fifty years—might very well be the cause of her depression. Well, it made sense, didn’t it? For one thing, she and Norville had done so many things together. Their daily breakfast ritual, going to the movies, reading in bed before going to sleep. The simple life. It was so much fun. And Norville was so funny! He could make Vera Bundle laugh louder and longer than anyone else she knew. But for so long now, Norville had been just plain dead Norville, a pile of bones in a beat-up casket in the cold, hard ground out there in Memorial Park Cemetery.

“I know this is a touchy subject, Vera, but you haven’t laughed or done much of anything since Norville passed,” said her friend Esther Wigton over tea one afternoon at the Conrad Hotel. The Conrad was the only hotel in Steubenville that served high tea at four P.M. “Norville died fifty years ago, Vera. Isn’t that time enough to mourn someone? You should have moved on years ago.”

Vera sighed. She had heard that speech maybe a thousand times from Esther.

Vera Bundle was retired now. She used to teach geography at PS 13, the grammar school in downtown Steubenville. Vera knew she would miss teaching after she retired, but enough was enough. At her farewell lunch she told the crowd as much. Actually it wasn’t exactly a crowd. Only four friends came to Vera’s retirement party.

“I think forty-five years is plenty of teaching for one person,” she told them.

The four friends nodded.

At the end of her short speech Vera thanked her friends for her going-away present. It was a Timex wristwatch they had all chipped in to buy her. “It’s something I will always cherish,” she said.

The four friends nodded.

Vera loved being retired. She finally had the time to concentrate on furthering her own education in her own way. It was something she had been doing part-time her entire life. Now she would be able to do it full-time. What that meant was she could study her Encyclopaedia Britannicas and National Geographics all day, all afternoon, and all night, if she so desired.

And she so desired.

Vera Bundle owned a complete set of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, all twenty-five volumes. Vera’s encyclopedia covers were made of imitation leather with gold-flecked borders. The twenty-five volumes were housed in a special custom-made bookcase that came with the set. It had taken Vera three years of saving from her bimonthly teaching paychecks and some of the money her husband Norville left her to purchase the set of encyclopedias complete with its own bookcase. It was an extravagance, but so what? Vera considered the investment the best she’d ever made. She adored her Encyclopaedia Britannicas.

Vera Bundle had her own special routine prior to perusing a volume of the Britannicas. First she made herself a cup of tea. She would pour the hot water into her cup, dip her tea bag once or twice (she didn’t like her tea too strong), add quite a bit of milk and two heaping teaspoons of sugar, and stir. Every time Vera made a cup of tea—every single time—she thought of her late husband Norville. How he used to say, “I like my tea like I like my women, Vera, hot and sweet.”

“Now you stop that, Norville Bundle,” Vera would reply, pretending to be angry.

“Aw, I’m only teasing you, Vera baby,” Norville always said, tickling her ribs with his index fingers, Vera wiggling around, trying to dodge his fingers but not trying to dodge his fingers. “Vera, you know you’re the only one I’ve ever loved.”

They’d joke around talking silly like that for a spell and then they’d hug and kiss…and…

God, she missed him.

After Vera Bundle finished stirring her tea, she added a shot glass, filled to the top, of J&B scotch. Vera never stirred the tea once the scotch was in the cup.

When her tea was prepared, Vera took two vanilla sugar wafers from the cookie tin in the cupboard and carried the tea and wafers on a small tray to her favorite armchair in the living room. She placed the tray on a tea table that was her mother’s, and her mother’s mother’s before that, going back maybe a hundred years or so. Once in the armchair, Vera pulled the chain that turned on the floor lamp with the imitation Tiffany shade. Vera used a hundred-watt bulb in the lamp. In the past she’d used lesser-watt bulbs, but in the last five years her eyes had become worse and worse. Now she was forced to wear store-bought glasses for reading, and her lightbulbs had increased from forty watts to sixty watts to the present hundred watts.

When Vera needed to buy store-bought glasses with a higher magnification or if she were compelled to go to a one-hundred-and-fifty-watt bulb, she vowed she would make an appointment with Dr. Duane Carper, the cute young eye doctor in Wheeling. Vera’s friend Esther Wigton constantly raved about Dr. Carper since seeing him a month ago. Vera was sure Esther had a crush on the eye doctor. When Vera was a young girl she could never have imagined a woman of sixty-plus years having a crush on anyone. She still couldn’t imagine it. Women of her age and Esther’s were much too old for those kinds of shenanigans. True, Esther Wigton was younger than she. Esther was in her midsixties. About the age Vera was when she met John. But Vera got over it real quick and Esther hadn’t gotten over anything. In fact, she was still acting downright childish. An example of this had happened just the other day at the Inn of the Sixth Happiness Tea & Sandwich Shop.

Esther said to Vera, “God, Dr. Carper’s sexy.”

“My goodness, Esther, Dr. Carper must be half your age!” said Vera.

“What’s age have to do with it? Duane’s a man and I’m a woman, for God’s sake.”

“Now it’s Duane, is it?”

“Oh, control yourself, Vera. I know how the subject of sex gets you all riled up.”

“No, you control yourself, Esther,” whispered Vera. “People at the other tables can hear you.”

“Oh, Vera, for heaven’s sake. You’re such a prude. So someone overhears us. So what?”

“So what?”

“Yes, so what? What’s wrong with getting a little at our age? Or at least dreaming about getting a little?”

“This entire conversation is absurd.”

“It’ll all stop being absurd, Vera, when you get the hots for some young man.”

“Get the hots. Honestly, Esther.”

Was that it? Had she gotten “the hots” for John?

“You’ll see, Vera. You’ll find yourself doing things you never imagined you would do in your life. That is, if you ever meet a younger man who gets your blood boiling.”

“Honestly, Esther. Gets my blood boiling. You are something.”

After making herself comfortable in her armchair, with a cup of tea sitting on the table beside her, Vera would take an encyclopedia from the bookcase, sniff its leather cover, then open the book and sniff the first page. She never tired of these delicious and familiar smells. After her sniffs, she usually examined the entire volume from cover to cover, riffling through its pages, lost in a wonderful world of facts and figures, historical data, exotic photographs, and maps and charts until something caught her eye. Then she would stop and read and read and read. She daydreamed of the faraway cities and countries she came across that she would never see, places with magical names like Al Jizah, Timbuktu, and Kilimanjaro.

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