And spotted a figure in his peripheral vision with gray hair and pale skin passing from left to right, from the stall to the doorway.

Glancing over his shoulder, he saw a naked old lady standing barefoot in the center of the dirty cement floor, hands on her hips in a Peter Pan pose. Unnerved, he turned toward her.

“You want me to suck it?” she asked. She nodded at his open fly.

“No!” he said, automatically zipping up.

“Want to stick it in my pussy?” She turned around, wiggled. “Or see if it fits in my ass?”

“No! Jesus, what’s wrong with you?” He no longer had to go to the bathroom, and he tried to think of a way to get past the old bat and out the door without forcibly pushing her aside. The last thing he needed was to face some trumped-up assault charge from a crazy woman.

“I don’t think your wife would like it if I blew you,” she said. “Your kids, either.”

So that was it. She was going to try and blackmail him. Well, it wouldn’t work. “Get out,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Help!” she screamed. The sound echoed off the empty walls.

“Quiet down!” Alfred hissed. He stepped forward, waving his hand to shush her, and she backed up, her eyes widening in mock fear.

“Don’t hurt me!” she pleaded, a little too loudly.

“What do you want?” he demanded.

“You’re not getting the full return from your investments that you should be,” she said, and the contrast between her suddenly reasonable tone and her naked wrinkled body was jarring. “We’ve been looking at your portfolio and have noted that the funds in which you are invested have underperformed by nine point six percent.”

“Who is ‘we’?” he asked.

“Oh, I’m sorry. The First People’s Bank. I understand that you have a checking account with your credit union—and that’s fine—but your investment portfolio, your very large investment portfolio, is being managed by a New York firm who are not doing right by you, primarily because they can’t possibly tailor their approach to your specific needs here in Montgomery, Arizona. Which is why we think it would be advantageous for you to allow First People’s to manage your financial assets. Thanks to deregulation, banks are back in the game, and as investors ourselves, our ears are much closer to the ground than any outside manager.”

It made no sense. This naked old lady was here to convince him to let the new bank take over his investments?

“Why would I do that?” he asked.

“Would it help if I sucked you off?”

The sudden shift startled him, caused him to step back.

“Not back there!” she yelled, her voice echoing. “I don’t like it back there!”

“Shut up!” he hissed.