“Who is Daniel?” I asked.

“Daniel?”

“Sarah said Daniel mopped the floor.”

Meg shrugged. What else could she do. These behaviors were in line with what the doctor had told us. She had even said there might be fits of paranoia or rage. The mere thought sent me into panic.

“What time does the nurse get here?” I asked.

“She’s not coming. She called to say she had an emergency.”

“I like that better,” I said. “I’m here all day today. You can go out and do what you need to.”

“There are pads in our bathroom,” she said.

“What?”

“Pads. For Sarah.”

“Right.”

Meg turned to look out the window. A Steller’s jay was on a branch of the jacaranda. It was unusual for one to come so far down.

There were times in life that things felt easy and slow, or easy and fast, somehow not the world of grown-ups, but everything now felt so hard, so real, every move an effort and a mystery, yet strangely, no move seemed as if it could be wrong. How could things be worse? I watched like a big cat for any flicker of joy or mere recognition on my child’s face, ready to pounce on it and stretch it out in front of me.

fac et spera

I spent the day trying to keep my daughter alive. It was just like when she was the infant we brought home. I couldn’t believe the people at the hospital were just letting us leave with that little animal. They made sure we had a car seat, presented us with a cheap stroller, and sent us on our way. I also could not believe that Meg was walking, now sitting in the backseat with the strapped-in infant, after having just pushed a person out of her body. It was all so surreal. It remained surreal when we arrived home. The surreality either faded or became the norm as the days passed and we became used to it all, but now all was as surreal as it ever was.

We sat around the house. I read to her. We watched cartoons that Sarah had long outgrown, it being unclear whether she was watching or seizing. I even managed to steer her through a short walk along a short and easy trail along the bottom of the mountain. When we returned, a bit hot and sweaty from the early summer heat, I left her in the kitchen while I went to pee. I was gone for only a minute. I returned to find Sarah sitting on the floor, loving up on Basil. The sight made me feel an inkling of happiness. Then I heard a humming. It was coming from the microwave. The light was on, and through the glass I could see a mug full of forks spinning clockwise on the table. I don’t know if I saw a spark or not, but I certainly imagined one, if not many, as I leaped to open the door. My heart was racing.