Upstairs, an assistant was removing a half-drunk coffee from the mayor’s desk. Deputies, assistants, and interns scurried through the hallways. Various phones rang on various desks. Someone answered a call, and someone else made one. Some pig composed a memo. Another memo, typed up by another secretary in a different department, sat on a desk. The pig finished, sealed his memo in an envelope, and then deposited it into the nearest pneumatic tube. The envelope disappeared with a whoosh into the singing metallic pipes.

Alfonzo folded his newspaper, then opened the pneumatic duct. Files and envelopes avalanched down into the wire basket. The last piece to fall out was Lenny Old Spots’s memo, so Alfonzo saw it right away. It was the first time in a long while the department had been addressed directly. Since Lenny never bothered remembering Alfonzo’s name, he’d written,

Dear Mr. Camellama,

I am reaching out in regards to the implementation of the mayor’s multiphase project to update infrastructure within City Hall.

In my position as Director of Operations for the mayor, I am tasked with identifying and removing any hindrance to the implementation of this plan.

Old Spots liked his verbiage ominous. Alfonzo coughed up an underdigested grass ball. He tasted nervous bile.

After extensive study it has been determined that the current tube system of communication used in the Hall may be allowing water to leak into the basement. Mold is a pressing concern. To that end, Seadyne Industries has been contracted to clean and seal City Hall’s tube system. This will be phase one of a bold project to replace all decaying tubing with a state-of-the-art system made with customized patented mold-resistant Beewell Industries Horse Whisperer™ tubing.

Mold was obviously a problem, but this was the first time Alfonzo was hearing that anyone upstairs cared about the sorry state of the underbuilding. Perhaps he would get time off with pay? Alfonzo skimmed the rest of the letter.

Because of the danger to the health of employees such as yourself, it will be necessary to close the basement starting tomorrow (Friday). Please enjoy this extra day off. On Monday morning, specialists from Seadyne will be onsite to begin the process of relocating files to their facilities and retiring obsolete machinery. In consultation with their specialists and the office of the mayor, I will be reviewing the future staffing needs for the department, if indeed there are any. To that end, I would like to meet next Monday morning at 10:30 a.m. to discuss your position at City Hall going forward.