It had never been so cold in your room. The heater—a contraption of conjoined white pipes, right by the door—was banging and clanging, as if there were a dwarf trapped inside, whacking around with a stick. I was glad I had my coat. I noticed then that you were wearing a thick sweater and a scarf. You closed the door behind me.

“So you came.” It sounded as if you were saying it more to yourself than to me. You stood by the door, looked at me, somewhat helpless in the middle of the room. “Sit.”

There was nowhere to sit but on the bed. It was neatly made and covered with several blankets. On the desk, by the window, lay open books and a writing pad. I sat on the very edge of the bed, feeling the blankets underneath me, feeling a void where certainty had once been. You stood by the door, your arms crossed over your chest, looking at me.

“Why did you run away?” There was reproach and a hint of pain in your voice.

The question took me by surprise. I thought there’d be small talk; I thought we would dance around what we really felt. I swallowed, searched for something true and worth putting into words.

“It was too much,” I said, unable to look at you. “And—” It seemed unsayable to me; continuing was like jumping through fire.

You looked straight at me. “What?”

I hesitated. And in that hesitation, resentment came through.

“That night. When Maksio saw us. What you said to him. And later, I saw you. In the forest. With Hania.”

I closed my eyes, exhausted. I didn’t want to see your reaction. But I looked up anyway. Your face was hard again, in a different way. Your jaw stiff, your eyes staring at the floor, hooded from me. Suddenly I felt trapped, seized by a desire to run away. You looked up toward me, your eyes rueful, shimmering.

“We were all on drugs, Ludzio. You never should have seen us. It didn’t mean anything. It was a game. It was innocent.”

You looked at me for a reaction. This has never been a game, I thought, and never innocent either. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It seemed as if we’d entered a realm where words had lost their meaning. I just looked at you, saw you struggle, harden again at my silence.