FTLOUIE: Maybe if you said you loved him first, it would cause the first crack in his hard outer shell….

WOMYNRULE: I AM NOT SAYING I LOVE HIM FIRST!!!!

SKINNERBX: Mia? Are you still there?

My boyfriend! I had gotten so involved talking about Lilly’s boyfriend, I totally forgot about my own!

FTLOUIE: Of course I am. Hang on a minute.

FTLOUIE: You guys, I have to go, but one last thing: I AM NOT HAVING A SWEET SIXTEEN PARTY AND THAT’S FINAL. GOT IT?

WOMYNRULE: God, alright already. You don’t have to shout.

ILUVROMANCE: Mia, no one wants you to do anything you don’t want to do. But your sweet sixteen IS a big deal….

FTLOUIE: NO PARTY.

WOMYNRULE: Well, better make sure your grandma knows that, then.

FTLOUIE: Wait. What is THAT supposed to mean?

WOMYNRULE: Nothing. I have to go now.

FTLOUIE: LILLY!!! ARE YOU AND GRANDMÈRE PLOTTING SOMETHING BEHIND MY BACK AGAIN????

WOMYNRULE: terminated

FTLOUIE: I’m going to kill her.

ILUVROMANCE: She can’t help it. You know how upset she’s been since her parents’ separation. Not to mention this Andy Milonakis thing. And the fact that J. P. won’t admit his true feelings for her. Oops, I hear my mom calling. I have to go. Bye!

ILUVROMANCE: terminated

Great. Just great.

FTLOUIE: Michael, do you know if your sister and my grandmother are planning something for my birthday? Like a surprise party?

SKINNERBX: Not that I’m aware of. Can you imagine what kind of party those two would come up with?

Actually, I can:

The kind of party I’d really, really hate.

Thursday, April 29, Homeroom

I asked my mom at breakfast this morning if Grandmère and Lilly were planning a surprise party for my sweet sixteen, and she choked on her fresh-squeezed OJ from Papaya King and went, “Sweet Jesus, I hope not.”

To which Mr. Gianini added, “Don’t expect me to chaperone if they are. I saw enough grinding at the Nondenominational Winter Dance this year to last me a lifetime.”

Which is true. Grinding does seem to be all the rage around Albert Einstein High lately. I wish it were krumping, instead. But no. My peers (all except for Michael, who is opposed to grinding for reasons he has yet to share with me, beyond saying it’s “stupid looking”) seem only to want to rub their private parts against one another.

Too bad they won’t let us do THAT in PE.

“I thought you didn’t want a party this year,” my mom said. “Because of what happened at your party last year.”

“I don’t,” I said. “But, you know…people don’t always listen to me.”

By people, of course, I meant Grandmère. As my mom well knew.

“Well, you can rest easy,” my mom said. “I haven’t heard anything about Lilly and your grandmother planning any party.”

I quizzed Lilly at length about my suspicions in the limo on the way to school, but she never once cracked.

Perhaps I was only imagining the whole Grandmère/Lilly plot to fete me against my will.