It’s time I got real.

Hi Antonio, I message. Happy to see Melodie. When is she free?

After that, my self-pity is such that I want to say I cry myself to sleep, but thanks to the narcolepsy I actually just pass out without even trying.

ASMR

‘I can’t believe you’re standing me up,’ Shandy moans into my Spacetime. ‘I could have gone to board-game night with work people, but I chose you because you’re so squidgy and cuddly and I miss having you in our cupboard under the stairs. Now I’m going to be stuck scraping mould off cheese and listening to room-mate grievances. Hey, where you at? Looks posh.’

‘The new Hilton,’ I subvocalize because I’m in a lift with well-dressed people. ‘Antonio’s girlfriend has invited me to her suite there. How actually bad do I look, Shandy?’

I expand the Spacetime field of view so she can see me fully. I’m wearing a manky old Spoon Bandit shirt from their first festival, shorts over dark tights, and trainers. I have proper shoes in my backpack but couldn’t find anywhere around London Bridge to put them on without getting knocked down by the grey and black tide of business suits just let out of work. I have a green rag wrapped around my head, which makes people think I’m on chemo and causes weirdness but hides the fact that only random chunks of my hair are left after the trial.

While Shandy stares at me, I can see her curled up in a beanbag in her room. She has perfect skin and an eye-catching figure, and her hair sticks out in all directions aggressively. When she takes in my look, a big white smile zaps across her face like a lightning bolt. She covers her mouth with both hands, laughing so hard that her feet paddle up and down like she’s dancing flamenco.

‘Bugger,’ I say under my breath. ‘I had it all sorted. I was planning to wear my special going-out jacket.’

‘The one with the mustard stain?’

‘The grey one, you know, that makes me look more young professional and less underemployed house cleaner. I had my whole outfit laid out on my bed, but then O somehow sprained her wrist trying to open the pigeon cage and I had to take her to A and E.’

Shandy stops laughing.

‘Oh, that sucks. Is she OK?’

‘I guess, I don’t really know with her condition being what it is. I would still be there waiting if she hadn’t told me to push off and do some paying work. So then I had to hustle from the Tube station, and you know how BigSky are running a promotion for Spacetime Gold and you can’t walk two metres without tripping over an AR-bot trying to wheedle you into an upgrade.’

The lift lets me off at the 23rd floor and I stand in the hallway uncertainly.

‘On behalf of my employer, I am so sorry,’ Shandy says. ‘But I thought you said O gave you some blockware for free.’