My knees hurt from kneeling. I wiped my face on my arm and stood. Audrey slumped, whimpering, her eyes glazed. I kissed her mouth and she jumped at my touch before melting into me. She moved her hand from my waist over my belly, down. She studied me with a vacant expression, open-eyed. I moved against her palm, involuntary. She stared hard at my face as though from a distance.

She shoved her fingers in roughly. It hurt, maybe, though my body was confused and didn’t care. She kissed me and I didn’t have to think. My mind switched off and I let it. Audrey was controlling my heartbeat, my breath, making me shake. My body gave up trying to understand what it felt. I yelled as I came, and clung to her, not believing my own sounds.

“Come on,” she said. “Lie down.”

I took a few trembling steps to the bed and collapsed. My confusion dissolved in her tender kisses and she touched me, softly, until I bucked against her again. My heart rate slowed and my will returned. She left and came back and I understood I had been asleep, for how long I had no idea. She knelt by the bed, slender and naked. I hoped she would lie down with me and then I didn’t. I wished a man was there, someone strong to hold me. I said her name.

“You’re not like her, are you?” she said. “You like it, even with no one watching.”

Her voice sounded sad. I didn’t know how to answer. She smiled and touched my face and we slept.

CHAPTER TWELVE

I woke and extracted myself from Audrey’s arms. The bright day chiseled at my head. I felt poisoned. I got in the shower and stood under the water until it ran cold, then dressed in jeans and a blue cowboy shirt with white birds embroidered above the pockets. My skin felt sensitive. I moved carefully around the apartment, brewed a pot of coffee, gathered up last night’s clothes from the middle of the living room floor. I was pulling on my boots when Audrey awoke.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey.”

She sat up and rubbed her eyes. Her beauty seemed magnified in the morning light, her makeup smeared, her hair disheveled. I didn’t know what to say to her. I felt impaired, awkward.

“Do you want some coffee?” I said. “Or a shower? You can take a shower if you want. I’m going out for cigarettes.”

“Okay,” she said.

“Make yourself at home. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

I slid sunglasses on and walked to the gas station five blocks away. There was a closer store, but I needed the time away, and the space. I’d never been with a girl before, not like that. I didn’t know what it meant or how to act. I wondered what she was thinking. Everything felt out of context. There were no boundaries anywhere. My regular life, work and running and hanging out with Michael, had gotten so far away. None of it was possible now.