I swung higher. I felt great.

“I never did coke except with Danielle,” I said.

“What happened?”

“Nothing. We got high.”

“I mean with you and her,” she said.

“We grew apart, I guess. She was different back then. You never knew her when she was doing heroin.”

“I’ve been around it, though, with other people. It’s so gross.”

“Yeah. I wasn’t into it and she was. It was like she just dedicated her whole life to getting high. She didn’t care about anything else, and she wouldn’t try to quit. I wanted to help her, but nothing I did seemed to make a difference.”

“I can’t picture her like that,” Audrey said.

“It was such a long time ago. I’m glad I got to see her last week. She was doing great. At least it seemed that way to me.”

“She loved seeing you, too.”

“Really?” I said.

Audrey sat on the swing again. “Yeah, she was excited. She talked about you all through dinner, how you guys used to do everything together, and how you were super smart and such a good friend. She could not believe you wanted to give her that money.”

“I can’t believe she didn’t take it,” I said.

“I know, she’s such a weirdo. She really hates her mom.”

“Yeah. Always has.”

“It was super nice of you. You didn’t even have to get in touch with her. You went out of your way to see her.”

“Yeah. Well. I care about her,” I said.

I think we both realized at the same time that we were using present tense. Danielle was dead. It seemed so unfair and unbudging. I felt tears forming.

“Fuck,” I said, trying to breathe and not cry.

Audrey grabbed on to the chain of my swing, jerking us both in erratic diagonals. I put my feet down to stop the motion. Our swings finally stilled, and we sat quietly like that, each of us occasionally sniffling. We looked out at the moonlit park.

After a few minutes Audrey spoke. “What I don’t get,” she said, “is why you quit doing coke. It’s fucking awesome.”

I started to laugh. I had an urge to hurl myself off the swing like Audrey had done, for the pleasure of being in the air. We went to the slide and did lines, Audrey in one sweep, breathing it in like air, and me in stages, shuddering and gasping. The aluminum slide glowed like a piece of moonlight striped with snow. I looked at her long fingers, steady and precise, and her neck as she bent over the lines with the dollar bill. I lit a cigarette.

She said, “There’s a guy who lives in one of these neighborhoods like this, with all new houses. Him and his wife. I think he had kids, too. You ever get involved with a married dude?”

“No.”

“I got tired of it after a while. Danielle always said, you deserve someone all to yourself. I liked him, though. He had a big dick.”