“Then why do you have to eat kids?” I ask. “Your house is made of candy! Just eat that.”

“Are you kidding me?” she asks. “I don’t eat junk food. Do you know how bad that stuff is for you? I can’t have that poison in my system. And anyway, I have horrible eyesight.” She squints at us again. “Eating children is the only way to improve it.”

“What are you talking about?” I sputter. “Eating children doesn’t improve eyesight!”

She rolls her eyes. “Of course it does. Everyone knows that.”

“Haven’t you ever heard of carrots?” I cry. “Or glasses? Or contacts?”

“What about laser eye surgery?” Jonah asks. “I saw an ad for it at a bus stop!”

“You guys are making those things up,” Patty snorts. “Everyone knows you have to eat children to see better.”

This is AWFUL. Is she going to try to eat Jonah right away? I take a deep breath. No. That’s not the way the story goes. In the original tale, the witch makes Gretel cook lots and lots of food for Hansel so he gets fattened up. It takes days. So we have time.

She pinches Jonah’s pinkie finger and smiles.

“Ow!” he yelps.

“Great news! You’re not as scrawny as the other kids in Vegetopia,” Patty says. She opens the door to the cage and shoves him inside. “In you go!” She locks it with a big black key that she puts in her dress pocket. “I hope you like it in there. I made the cage myself. The good news is, you won’t have to stay here long. I can cook you tonight!”

My heart sinks as she smiles at me and adds, “Usually it takes me a week to bulk up my meals, but your brother is just right.”

Oh, no. Oh, no. This is not good news at all! I thought we’d have a few days! But it’s true that my brother eats more than just bread crumbs! In Smithville, he’d be considered scrawny, but in Vegetopia, he’s downright meaty! Ahhhh!

“Well, don’t just stand there, girlie,” Patty says to me. “Go turn on the oven.”

“Wait. Hold up,” I say, thinking fast. “You’re making a huge mistake.” But what kind of mistake? Must. Think. Fast! Oh! “You’re making a … nutritional mistake.”

She squints. “Excuse me?”

Yes! I got this. “I get that you’re hungry. But see, my brother is like ninety-nine percent junk food. He devoured the outside of your house. He ate half the roof by himself! And besides that, he’s always stuffing something sugary in his mouth. Cookies. Chocolate. Candy. I bet he has some candy hidden in his pocket right now. Go ahead, check!”

She turns to my brother. “Show me what’s in your pocket,” she orders.

Jonah shrugs and pulls out the mangled lollipop. “It’s still good,” he says.

“It is not,” I say, stifling a laugh. “Prince slobbered all over it. AND it’s from your sock drawer. But that’s not the point, Patty. The point is, you are what you eat, right? And my brother eats a lot of junk food.”