He took a deep breath. “I wanted to give it up to you, the way you do to me. The way you make me feel when I have you, the things you say when I do it. I wanted to do that for you. I thought I could show you that way.”

Kim’s eyes widened. “Oh.”

“I wanted to,” Will said, wretchedly. “Only, it didn’t feel—”

“Hold on a moment. I would also like to have you give yourself to me. I would like that more than anything. I’m not sure why you think it needs to be physical.”

Physical would be easier, or at least he’d assumed it would be. “Doesn’t it?” he said, knowing he was stalling.

Kim brushed a thumb over his eyebrow, down the side of his face. “I love you, Will. I’ve told you that, knowing you weren’t ready or able to answer. But it isn’t the easiest thing to repeat I love you and I want you to a man whose idea of the future is ‘we’ll see where we go’.”

“Kim—”

“You were always welcome to my body,” Kim went on steadily. “Making you free of my soul was a great deal harder. I am unsure of your intentions, and unsure I have any right to ask for them, and I told you how I felt anyway because I promised not to lie any more. That’s giving it up to you, and it’s really not the same thing as a spot of recreational sodomy.” He gave Will a half-smile that wasn’t happy. “You’re confusing truth with acts, my love. If you’re offering, I’d rather have truth.”

Will had to do some more breathing. He felt like he’d been punched in the stomach, right down to the sick feeling that provoked. “You’re right. You’re right, and I... Hell. I’m a coward.”

“Don’t be absurd.”

“There’s only one of us in this room with the guts to say what he means, and it’s not me. That’s shitty, and it’s shittier that I didn’t realise how shitty I was being.”

“I’ve done worse to you.”

“No, you haven’t,” Will said. “You really haven’t. This matters. All right, wait. I’ve got the Military Cross, I can hold a conversation.”

“I’m fairly sure that’s not what they give it for.”

“If it was, you’d have three bars.” Will propped himself on an elbow, mirroring Kim’s position to look him in the face. He took a deep breath, and realised he had no idea where to start. “Shit.”

“You said you wanted to show me. Show me what?”