‘That’s true.’ Trenchcoat pocketed his iPhone. ‘We live in a very inclusive age. But the problem is, Lightning … you’re a married man. And your wife, Lydia, well … she’s been wondering for some time where you’ve been disappearing to for two or three nights a week. So she asked us to find out.’

‘You’re saying you’re private detectives?’ Dean wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or even more horrified.

‘Good job it doesn’t take you that long to get to the back of the net,’ Beard chipped in. ‘Otherwise, no one’d give a shit what you get up to in this secret nookie nest of yours.’

‘She doesn’t trust you, pal,’ Hatchet Nose said. ‘She never has.’

Trenchcoat smiled again. ‘When Lydia married you, Lightning, she knew she’d landed on her feet … and she was in it for the long haul. She was going to milk it for everything she could … even if it ended up in the divorce court—’

‘Wait a minute,’ Dean interrupted, glimpsing hope. ‘Just wait … you’re saying she doesn’t suspect anything specific? She’s just watching me?’

‘She half suspects,’ Trenchcoat said.

‘You must admit, you’ve been away from home a lot recently,’ Hatchet Nose added.

‘And if she’s not getting it in the bedroom, which she presumably isn’t,’ Beard said, ‘she’s going to wonder.’

‘On top of that, she’s never been entirely convinced that you’re doing these houses up yourself,’ Trenchcoat said. ‘She doesn’t believe you know the first thing about DIY. Isn’t that why you spent a million quid getting someone else to fit that new bathroom in your mansion down Alderley Edge?’

‘So you’ve been watching me for a few weeks,’ Dean said. ‘But you haven’t reported back to Lydia yet? Is that what you’re saying?’

‘That’s the sum of it,’ Trenchcoat replied. ‘Want to know why?’

‘I’m guessing it’s not because you like football.’

‘You guess right where I’m concerned,’ Beard replied. ‘I fucking hate it.’

‘I, on the other hand, do like it,’ Hatchet Nose said. ‘I’m even a Man U fan. But the Reds were great before you, Dean, and they’ll be great again after.’

Dean’s eyes flitted from one to the other. ‘So …?’

‘So we want to get paid twice,’ Beard said.

‘What do you mean?’