I run my fingers between Jude’s ears as I scoop Penny onto my lap, stretching my legs back out. I’ve never been so torn like this before, so split in half, pulled in two different directions. I’ve never wanted something so badly, while rejecting it at the same time.

Dean is like the ocean.

Compelling, calling to me, within reach…

So much magic. So much beauty.

Something I want with every aching layer of my soul.

But I’m that little girl again, frozen in the sand, afraid of the dark waters in front of me. There’s so much uncertainty. There’s so much I can’t see. I’m scared I’ll lose myself to the tumultuous waves and drift away, barely treading above water, hardly able to breathe.

I’m scared I’ll lose everything—my sister, my parents, myself.

I’m scared I’ll drown.

It’s safer here at shore.

I tell myself this as I go about my day, running out to grab dog food and Plan B. I try not to die of embarrassment as I keep my oversized sunglasses on at the pharmacy, while tugging my beanie down as far as it will go in case I have the words ‘Totally Banged Dean’ scrawled across my forehead. I don’t check my phone as I clean the house later. I already cleaned yesterday, but I vacuum again and wipe down the windows just to distract myself.

I don’t text him. I don’t call him.

I don’t go near the bottle of wine in the fridge in fear of texting or calling him.

I can do this.

But when my sister shows up unexpectedly with Mexican food that evening, I almost faint from crippling anxiety.

“You look like hell.” Mandy breezes through the entryway also looking like hell, and I can’t help but feel like there is one common denominator that is responsible for our mutual hells. “I brought a shit ton of tacos. Cilantro has cleansing powers.”

“That’s because it tastes like dish soap.”

Mandy scoffs at me as she slips out of her knee-high boots. She saunters through the living room to the kitchen, tossing the brown paper bags of food onto the dining table. Then she wavers, taking a few steps back, and glances towards the corner of the room. She looks up at me. “You have dogs.”

I shrug, my arms crossed. “You would have known that if you hadn’t dodged my calls and texts all week.”

A bleak silence stretches between us. I take in the way Mandy’s eyes lower to the floor, lacking their usual sparkle, rimmed with dark circles. Her hair is pinned up in an ultra-messy bun, her roots growing out. She blows back a strand of hair that has come loose from her bun and leans her hip against the back of the couch. “I’ve been avoiding you.”

“I noticed.” I dig my fingers into the fuzzy fabric of my sweater, my insides clenching with unease. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through this night without confessing all of my dirty sins to Mandy. I clear my throat, braving a few steps forward. “How are you?”