Your friend had left the Institute by then. Is that correct?

Yes.

But that’s not why you decided to give up mathematics.

No. I would have anyway.

Do you miss it?

It’s like missing the dead. They’re not coming back. Old foundational issues will probably continue to trouble my dreams. And there are times when I miss the world of calculation itself. Solving problems. When things suddenly fall into place after days of labor it’s like a lost animal coming in out of the rain. Your thought is to say there you are. To say I was so worried. You hardly even bother to review your work. You just know. That what you are looking at is true. It’s a joyful thing.

Have you ever cut yourself?

Have I ever cut myself.

Yes.

You really take the plaid rabbit. Did you know that?

No. Your fantasies about suicide. Where are we with this?

I wouldnt tell you if I knew.

What is it that you feel guilty about?

Other than being born I suppose.

Other. Yes.

I think I’d have to say first of all that I seriously doubt that people are driven to suicide by guilt. When were we ever so virtuous?

When you said goodbye to the Kid.

Yes.

He wanted to know if you would miss him.

Yes.

What did you say?

I didnt know what to say. I was suffocating in sadness. It was not something I’d expected.

But you wont see him again.

No.

I dont want to ask how you could be so sure. After how many years?

Eight. The Ogdoad.

The Ogdoad?

In Gnostic years.

You have no clear sense of what it is that he represented.

He represented himself. He is his own being, not mine. That’s really all I learned. However you choose to construe such a statement. I never met a counselor who didnt want to kill him.

At the end you were actually fond of him.

He is small and frail and brave. What is the inner life of an eidolon? Do his thoughts and his questions originate with him? Do mine with me? Is he my creature? Am I his? I saw how he made do with his paddles and that he was ashamed for me to see. His turn of speech, his endless pacing. Was that my work? I’ve no such talent. I cant answer your questions. The tradition of trolls or demons standing sentinel against inquiry must be as old as language. Still, maybe a friend must be someone you can touch. I dont know. I no longer have an opinion about reality. I used to. Now I dont. The first rule of the world is that everything vanishes forever. To the extent that you refuse to accept that then you are living in a fantasy.

Have you ever been in ICP? There’s no record of it.

No. But that’s probably where I’m headed. Together with my big mouth.

It’s just that I’m responsible for you. It wouldnt really change anything. It might give me a better chance to see what’s going on with you.