Like he had in the shrine—when they were hiding from Mellifare.

And now that she watched, she had seen this happen countless times before.

The terrible realization began to crawl up her spine like tiny spiders. She pressed a hand against his chest, where the wound had been. “Di?”

His eyes flickered.

“Di—Di, you’re okay,” she soothed, touching his cheek. Her fingers trembled. She’d never thought she would see this again. She never wanted to. She tried to be patient, to stroke his cheek, to wait—

Suddenly he jerked, the sound of a gasp escaping his lips, and he snagged her wrist, twisting it away from him. For a moment he looked at her as if he didn’t recognize her—it was a look she had seen for six months while he was HIVE’d—but then remembered who she was and quickly let go.

He stepped away.

“I—I’m sorry. I can’t . . . It’s difficult to sometimes . . . I . . .” He pulled his hands through his hair, his face crumpling, because it was so apparent he wished she never had to see.

She took him again by the hand. “You’re glitching, aren’t you? Like you did before—”

“It’s worse than before,” he interrupted, unable to meet her gaze. “When I glitch, all I see are memories. I relive them—of when I was alive, and as a Metal, and HIVE’d, and I never know which it’ll be.”

“We can deal that. I can help you,” she said, folding her fingers into his, but he tugged his hand away from her, and her heart sank.

He gave her a sad look. “What if I wake up from a glitch, all these screams in my head, and I can’t remember you?” His face began to scrunch, wrinkles bunching his forehead, like someone trying desperately not to cry. “I wish I had never made that promise. The one in Rasovant’s lab. I promised I would go away forever.”

“Because I was in danger, and now I’m not,” she realized.

“Yes.” He balled his hands into fists. He was in pain standing there, as if waiting for her permission to leave. But if he left, he would go forever—she would never see him again. She would never talk with him, or laugh with him, or dance with him—

She looked down at her red coat. It was the color of a renegade, the cut of a rogue. It was not a coat for an Empress but for the captain of a ship.

Perhaps, in a different life.

“You should go with the captain and Talle,” she said, and she didn’t hear the words until after they were spoken. “Find a place to hide the heart. Go on a few more grand adventures.”

Di hesitated.

“Go,” she said, kissing his cheek. “I will always love you, Dmitri Rasovant, wherever in the universe you are.”

Then she turned away from him because she could not watch him leave, like the captain left, like Talle left, and she exited the room with E0S at her side. She had kept the funeral waiting long enough.