The water in Big Sur is frigid, even in summer. October was trembling, and her skin was translucent. And it wasn’t just her skin. Her dress was light, gauzy, drenched, and it became diaphanous as it clung to her body. She wasn’t wearing anything underneath, and I could see her nipples, the outline of her waist, the curve of her hips, everything. The night we’d slept together, I’d only gotten glimpses of her body. She’d been either lying down, on top of me, or under the sheets, and it was fairly dark once I’d turned off the lights.

I didn’t know if she meant for the clip to be so erotic, but it was impossible for me to see it any other way.

After I uploaded and cataloged the video, I tried to read a book on edible plants of Marin County, but every time I got to the end of a page, I realized I hadn’t absorbed a word; I put the book down. I kept thinking about the night October and I had spent together, remembering how soft she was; the way she whispered into my ear, telling me what she was going to do and how she was going to do it; and how she tasted like tangerines and mint and fit so perfectly in my arms.

I went back to my computer, watched the video again, and wondered if Cal had been manning the camera. Then I started to imagine what might have happened after he turned it off. No way he didn’t have the same reaction I had to seeing October like that. No way he hadn’t wanted her.

I tried to stop thinking about it, but that backfired, and things took a darker turn. When I closed my eyes, all I could see was Cal fucking October on the beach in that dress. In my fantasy, Cal was rough and violent, ripping the dress apart, forcing himself on her as she screamed and fought.

October once told me that no one should be ashamed of their fantasies, but jacking off thinking about my best friend hate-fucking the woman I was pretty sure I was in love with did not make me feel like I was dealing with the situation in a healthy or constructive way.

October and Cal didn’t come home until Thursday night. I was standing in my kitchen eating takeout from Sol Food when I saw her SUV pull up the driveway. Rae came outside with Diego, and the dog went crazy when he saw October, running and bouncing around in big, clumsy circles, almost knocking her over.

I stood in the window and tried to will either October or Cal to look in my direction, to wave and invite me down, but neither did.