and you loved me,

but you didn’t know

how to do it right.

or maybe you didn’t

feel like figuring it out.

either way,

you’re gone now.

you are what keeps me

awake on nights where

i feel heavy.

you are the beating heart

of my poetry,

no matter how much

i fight it.

that is why

my words about you

are so bloodstained.

because i have spent

the past four years

trying to fight it.

that works too

it’s nights like this when i’m two glasses of wine in and i haven’t

had alcohol all summer so it doesn’t take long to feel unsteady

/ these are the kinds of nights where all i want to do is tell you i

miss you / but i guess it’s that time of year / we met four years ago

around this time do you remember four years ago i was falling

in love with you four years ago i didn’t know what was going to

happen four years ago i didn’t know i’d still be writing about you

i think about this boy i have now who is so kind and so loving and

does everything right and never lets me go a moment unloved

and i love him so much my entire body shakes with it / and i think

it could’ve been you / i think it really could’ve been you but also

could it have been you? / i mean / could it have been you let’s be

honest here could you have managed the distance better could

we have tried a little harder could i still be in love with you / yes /

but are you the kind of person to want to do those things? / am i?

/ no we are not although maybe i am ’cause right now i kinda feel

like i’m a little in love with you which is to say i feel kinda sad and

kinda lonely and i keep texting my sweet boy and he keeps telling

me he loves me and i keep fucking crying about it which is to say

right now feels a lot like you haven’t quite given up the hands you

once folded around my heart / right now feels a lot like 2015 and

summer and late nights spent staring at the stars and that time you

said you loved me and that time we were invincible and nothing

could stop us until absolutely everything did

here’s the fucking truth / i’ll write book after book about you

but i’ll never say i miss you even though i do i do every day but

especially now especially right now i miss you so much it hurts / i

love him so much i think he might be the one don’t you know but i

miss you still / because what else do you do when you stop talking

to the person you loved and it goes radio silent and now you avoid