'Are you okay?' asked Landen when I got back to the car. 'You look as though you've seen a ghost!'

'Several,' I replied. 'I think I just saw my whole life pass in front of my eyes.'

'Do I feature?'

'Quite a lot, Land.'

'I had my life flash in front of me once,' he said. 'Trouble is, I blinked and missed all the good bits.'

'It will need more than a blink,' I told him, nuzzling his ear. 'How's the little man?'

'Tired after a lot of pointing.'

I looked into the back seat. Friday was spark out and snoring.

Landen started the car and pulled out of the parking space.

'Who was the old woman, by the way?' he asked as we turned into the main road. 'You never did tell me.'

I thought for a moment.

'Someone who knew me really well and turned up when it mattered.'

'I have someone like that,' said Landen, 'and if she's feeling up to it, I'd like to take her out for dinner. Where do you fancy?1

I thought of the old woman in the bed, dressed in gingham, hanging on for the last verse, and all the people who had come to see her off. Life, I decided, would be good, and more than that, unusual.

'If  I'm with you,' I told him tenderly, 'SmileyBurger is the Ritz.'

Credits

My great thanks to Maggy and Stewart Roberts for the illustrations in this book.

My thanks to Mari Roberts for huge quantities of research on everything from the Danes to Hamlet to conflict resolution and the piano gag, and for companionship, and love.

Mr Shgakespeafe's quotes and Hamlet kindly supplied by Shakespeare (William) Inc.

Lorem Ipsum usage suggested by Swaim & Rogan.

For the purposes of this narrative, it should be noted that Zeffirelli's excellent version of Hamlet starring Mel Gibson and Glenn Close was made in 1987, not 1991 as previously thought.

My grateful thanks to John Sutherland and Cedric Watts for their 'Puzzles in Literature' series, which continues to amuse and delight, and to Nome Epstein for her excellent Friendly Shakespeare, which is every bit as the title suggests. Also to the Reduced Shakespeare Company for much-needed Bard-related tomfoolery in times of stress.

My grateful thanks to Landen Parke-Laine for agreeing to undertake a guest first-person appearance at short notice.

No penguins were killed or pianos destroyed in order to write this book.

The penguin meal on page 147 and the piano incident on page 314 were merely fictional narrative devices and have no basis in fact.

My apologies to Danish people everywhere for the fictional slur undertaken in the pages of this book. I would like to point out that this was for satirical purposes only, and I like Denmark a lot, especially rollmops, bacon, Lego, Bang & Olufsen, the Faeroes, Karen Blixen — and, of course, Hamlet, the greatest Dane of all.