'Nasty scratch you have there.'

'Very funny. What's the deal?'

'Simple. I want President Formby back.'

'And in return?'

Spike turned the shotgun towards me.

'I give you Thursday. She's got bags of life left in her. Give me your gun, sweetheart.'

'What?' I yelled in a well-feigned cry of indignation.

'Do as I say. The President must be protected at all costs – you told me so yourself

I handed the gun over.

'Good. Now move forward.'

We walked slowly up the concourse, the cowering visitors watching us with a sort of morbid fascination. We stopped ten yards from Chesney just near the arcade game area.

'Send the President to me.'

Chesney nodded to his henchman, who let him go. Formby, a little confused by now, tottered up to us.

'Now send me Thursday.'

'Whoa!' said Spike. 'Still using that old SpecOps-issue revolver? Here, have her automatic – she won't need it any more.'

And he tossed my gun towards his ex-partner. Chesney, in an unthinking moment, went to catch the gun – but with the hand he used to keep his head on. Unrestrained, his head wobbled dangerously. He tried to grab it but this made matters worse and his head tumbled off to the front, past his flailing hands, and hit the floor with the sound of a large cabbage. This unseemly situation had distracted Chesney's number two, who was disarmed by a blast from Spike's shotgun. I didn't see why Spike should have all the fun so I ran forward and caught Chesney's head on the bounce and expertly booted it through the door of the arcade, where it scored a direct hit on the SlamDunk! basketball game, earning three hundred points. Spike had thumped the now confused and headless Chesney in the stomach and retrieved both my automatics. I grabbed the President and we legged it for the car park while Chesney's head screamed obscenities from where he was stuck upside down in the SlamDunk! basket.

Spike smiled as we reached his car. 'Well, Chesney really lost his—'

'No,' I said, 'don't say it. It's too corny.'

'Is this some sort of theme park?' asked Formby as we bundled him into Spike's car.

'Of a sort, Mr President,' I replied as we reversed out of the car park with a squeal of tyres and tore towards the exit ramp. No one tried to stop us and a couple of seconds later we were blinking in the daylight – and the rain – of the M4 westbound. The time, I noticed, was 5.03 – lots of time to get the President to a phone and oppose Kaine's vote in Parliament. I put out my hand to Spike, who shook it happily and returned my gun, which was still covered in the desiccated dust of Chesney's hoodlum friend.

'Did you see the look on his face when his head started to come off?' Spike asked, chuckling. 'Man, I live for moments like that!'

29
The Cat Formerly Known as Cheshire